


all bloody knuckles (longing for home)

by baetokkis



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-13 01:14:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 26,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29643555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baetokkis/pseuds/baetokkis
Summary: Four times Kang Seulgi did her best not to screw everything good she had in life and miserably failed, and one time she succeeded. Or, in which Seulgi gets a chance at family years after giving away a baby for adoption, when her child has a family of her own – a fierce but loving mother named Joohyun.Alternatively, a story about forgiveness, mistakes and mothers.
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Kang Seulgi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 86





	1. second chances

**Author's Note:**

> this will be some sort of 5+1 prompt, but it's 4+1 instead so... that's it. but i splited the chapter in half bc it would end up being too long and i didn't want that bc i know it can be tiring to read so there's that
> 
> anyways, i'm trying something new here so this first chapter doesn't have much seulrene but i'll make up in the next one. AND i plan to make 3 chapters at most (2 from seulgi's point of view and one from joohyun's, starting from when she first adopted mina)
> 
> hope yall enjoy it and as usual leave a comment telling me what u think :)

_ “I'm running from nothing, no thoughts in my mind _

_ Oh, my heart was all black _

_ But I saw something shine _

_ Thought that part was yours, but it might just be mine _

_ I could share it with you, if you gave me the time _

_ I'm all bloody knuckles, longing for home _

_ If it weren't for second chances, we'd all be alone” _

**– Second chances, Gregory Alan Isakov**

**_first time_ **

It’s a strange feeling, this sense of  _ freedom  _ after such a long time being kept in the dark. So Seulgi takes it gratefully. 

She runs in the streets at night and feels invincible even though she’s only seventeen and that’s what Seulgi loves the most about him, her boyfriend. The sentiment of maybe belonging somewhere, with him.

It was never about stability, as her mother insisted she must have with someone, but about intensity. 

So she pickpockets from rich people at fancy supermarkets and pays for their needs without a care in the world, and she’s never alone – a feeling she used to get constantly whenever she spent a little longer at her mothers’ house. 

And it’s good, it’s  _ wonderful,  _ and when he looks proudly at her every night, all her worries fade to a dark spot at the back of her mind. 

He brushes a thick thumb against her cheek and she smiles, carefree and giddy. 

She’s seventeen, and she’s free, and she feels loved and cared about. But she’s also seventeen, and doesn’t know much about the world, so when she pees on a stick and waits alone for a result that seems to take an eternity, her all moving life seems to reach an ecstatic end when the two lines flash up at her in that bleak-looking diner.

.

Her boyfriend doesn’t care, doesn’t bother checking if she needs anything before leaving her one night while she sleeps. 

She wakes up alone in a cheap motel room, dreams of someone else’s arms around her still fresh on her mind and so the feeling of being alone comes back, and she curls back into the only thing she owns – a backpack she stole a few months ago that now carries her few other belongings, a hand pressing softly against her still flat tummy.

Her mother’s words, like an animal coming back to bite at her, echoes in her head like a broken record.  _ Love gives you nothing. _ And Seulgi realizes she was right, after all.

**_second time_ **

At age 18, Seulgi’s gloom, dark world sees its first sparks of light after a long, long time. It’s been a long day, and she’s drained and tired and sweating, but there’s a tiny cry that fills the whole hospital room and Seulgi can’t help but swoon at it.

Her baby girl. 

She wants to reach over to the nurse, ask her to bring the baby over, but no words come out of her mouth. Instead, there are only endless tears and  _ pain.  _

The doctor can only stare in pity, while the nurses are as patient as ever as they insist, “Do you want to hold her?” and Seulgi shakes her head, albeit hesitantly, every single time.

Her baby is fussy. She’s still crying when the head nurse brings her to the foot of Seulgi’s bed, still wiggling her small body as if begging for warmth.

Seulgi can see it – sharp eyes, even for a child, high cheekbones, and a round little forehead – and it only makes her weaker to realize how similar the baby is to her, to the point where she almost surrenders when the nurse asks once again if she wants to hold her. __

Against her ribs, her heart beats the painful lesson again. One scripted on her skin by now, one that doesn’t feel like going away anytime soon.

So Seulgi shakes her head one last time, and she watches quietly as her baby goes away to never see her again.

**_third time_ **

She’s 30 now, and the conclusion is long due but accurate: Seulgi doesn’t need anyone. Not anymore. She has a life of her own now, and a reasonable and stable source of income, and that’s all she needs. 

After a couple of years of hesitance to come back home, she had gone back to find her mom and realized it was a mistake as soon as she decided to do it.

There was no warm welcome home, no slight worry on her mother’s tone when she asked what Seulgi’s been up to, not even when she saw the scars of years running all over her daughter’s body, so maybe it was for the best. 

She was better off alone, anyway. Always been.

Her baby is a frequent topic of thought, but she never lets it linger past the constant reminder of her child growing a life away from her, as it should be. It’s not healthy to be constantly wondering.

And then her whole world turns upside down one night. 

There’s a knock on her door after she gets home from work, and she’s sweaty and tired, but satisfied, and she goes to answer it with a ghost of a smile on her face. 

It’s a woman, probably in her mid-thirties, who frowns at her like seeing a ghost herself.

“Can I help you?” Seulgi asks, puzzled but calm, as she leans against the doorframe after a few seconds of awkward silence.

The woman forces a smile, clearing her throat as she goes, “I’m looking for Kang Seulgi. Does she live here?”

Seulgi gulps, thinking about debt collectors from her early twenties, about exes who couldn’t leave her alone after a bad breakup, but stands up straighter once she realizes this stranger looks nothing like any of the above.

“That’s me,” she says, instead. “Is there a problem?”

The woman stretches the edges of her lips up just a little, only enough to be polite, and she shakes her head to the question.

“No, not at all,” she replies. “It’s just, uh… I know this might sound strange, and very abrupt, but my name is Joohyun. I have a few things to discuss with you, if that’s okay.”

She doesn’t invite this Joohyun woman inside. The years have taught her to be selective about who she does, and Joohyun seems to be way too expensive for Seulgi’s cheap living room anyway, in her fancy pantsuit and shiny golden wrist watch. 

She doesn’t move, but nods to assure Joohyun can start talking.

“It’s – it’s about your daughter,” she starts, sounding uneasy, and Seulgi feels a knot in her throat as soon as she hears it.

“I don’t have a daughter,” Seulgi says without missing a beat. She blinks as if she can’t quite believe this is happening, but she doesn’t close the door on Joohyun’s face, frozen on the spot.

“Yes, you do. Didn’t you give away a child for adoption twelve years ago?” Hesitantly, Seulgi nods. Joohyun sighs before explaining. “Well, I adopted her. Her name is Mina.”

“Mina,” Seulgi echoes, and there’s a strange, foreign fondness that grows in her chest for someone she doesn’t know. Then, she remembers something. “How did you find me? It was – it was a closed adoption.”

Seulgi knows, remembers this specific detail almost every day ever since she decided to go find the baby. Not because she wanted to take her back, she was sure her child would be better off with someone else, but because she wanted to make sure she got what she needed. A family. 

She was never even able to find out her name.

“I have some…” Joohyun hesitates. “Influence.”

And that Seulgi is sure. She can tell by the way she stands; by the way she dresses. Nothing screams  _ influence  _ louder than that.

“I imagine,” she points out, doing her best not to sound bitter. 

“I know this is a long shot, and a very strange request, but please… Mina wants to meet you,” Joohyun says at once, in a single breath, and Seulgi can tell by the way she fiddles with her ring that she’s nervous to ask. “I promised her I would try my best to bring you to her, so…”

Seulgi sighs, anxious. “Look, I’m sorry for wasting your time making you come all the way here, but I’m really not parent material. The kid’s only going to get disappointed with me, ma’am.”

The laugh Joohyun lets out is bitter, and full of mockery. 

“I’m not asking you to be her parent, Miss Kang. Neither am I asking you to be some kind of role model, I can do that well enough by myself,” she rasps. “All I’m asking is for you to go back with me and meet the girl you gave birth to.”

Seulgi is taken aback by her straightforwardness, and she arches an eyebrow at Joohyun’s angry reply. 

As if sensing she was too rude, Joohyun closes her eyes, tries to regain her composure.

“All I’m asking…” she continues, lower this time. “Is for you to grant my daughter’s wish.”

Joohyun’s voice trails off, and for a moment, Seulgi lets herself imagine what it would be like. She thinks of going back to a mansion, large enough to have a playground all for Mina, maybe even a few pets. 

Mina would be there, waiting for her. She’d have dark brown eyes just like her, monolids too, maybe. She wonders if Mina still has high cheekbones, if she has a slightly sloped nose like hers.

For a minute, Seulgi gets lost wondering a large house for the two of them, thinks what would have happened if she’d kept her, and then she thinks of her own small place, of her regular outfit bought in sale and Joohyun’s tailored clothing and she knows she can’t do this.

That painful lesson is still scripted in her body, soul and mind, and she would never do this to her own baby, even though she’s all grown up now. Mina deserves better. Deserves someone who can give her the world, and not some washed-up dancer who makes enough money just to pay for herself.

“I’m sorry,” she says at last, the words coming out like knives against her throat. “I can’t help you.”

She doesn’t wait for Joohyun to reply, doesn’t wait for anything actually. By the time Joohyun gets ready to argue, she closes the door hastily but without a sound and leans against it.

Joohyun knocks again, and Seulgi falls to the ground, tears running down her cheeks instantly like she’s been holding them for years. 

(In a way, she has.)

The knocks stop after a while, and Seulgi sees through the window as Joohyun goes back to her car, looking over one last time as if waiting for Seulgi to change her mind. 

When she sees as Joohyun gives up and finally leaves, it suddenly feels like she’s back at that hospital bed all those years ago, like giving her baby away all over again.

**_fourth time_ **

Seulgi is 31 now, and her days are filled with memories and regret. That’s how she’s spent most of her life, anyway, and that’s how she suspects she’ll spend the rest. 

But she can handle it. She’s got her job, and the reminder that there’s a thirteen-year-old girl out there who’s loved and cared about is enough to keep her going. 

Until one day, when she’s leaving the hospital where she volunteers at, and everything around her seems to freeze.

A woman, too familiar for her liking, stares back at her with the same intensity and Seulgi feels her legs tremble once she realizes they’re at different poles of the same hospital.

While she just came back from the children’s cancer center, the woman’s on the children’s surgical floor and a sour taste leaves Seulgi’s mouth dry for seconds before the woman strides up to her direction, eyes flaming.

“Hi,” Joohyun says, barely towering her even on her heels. “What are you doing here?” 

There’s nothing of the prior gentleness in her tone, nothing similar to the woman who came to her house and asked for a favor. Now there’s only a protective mother, ready to fight tooth and nail for her daughter. 

“I volunteer here,” Seulgi explains, even though she owes nothing to Joohyun. Or maybe she does. She’s not entirely sure. Gulping, she adds, “You?”

“I’m waiting for my daughter to wake up.” 

The way she highlights the “ _ my”  _ doesn’t go unnoticed, and Seulgi nods, a bit lightheaded. 

“Is she okay?” Seulgi insists, because she’s not so strong after all.

Joohyun frowns, looks up at her with utter disgust, but she must’ve seen something in Seulgi’s expression that triggered her pity because her eyes suddenly soften and she turns her gaze away with little anger instead of fury.

“She is. She just had a surgery a few days ago, but she’s better now,” she says, but doesn’t go further, and that’s not enough. Seulgi wants more, she needs more, she wants –

“Surgery for what?”

Joohyun eyes her, and for the first time, Seulgi can see how exhausted she looks. There are bags under her eyes, her lips are chalky and chipped like she’s been biting at them from time to time. 

“Look, I’ll be honest with you, Seulgi,” Joohyun suddenly decides, and she stands up straighter before actually beginning. “She’s not well. Hasn’t been for a while, actually, and…” She sighs, voice strained. “She’s had a few surgeries over the past months.”

Seulgi’s face turns pale, and she merely blinks at Joohyun, confused. Her voice seems to come back to her a few minutes later, when she croaks out, “If you think it’s genetic and that’s why you came to find me, I’m sorry, but I can’t – I don’t…”

“No, it’s not. The doctors don’t think it is,” Joohyun quickly reassures her. “But they’re all really afraid, and they think…” She breathes in deeply, physically unable to continue, and that’s when she drops the bomb. “That’s why she asked me to find you. She wanted to meet you before it all happened, so you wouldn’t see her like this.” 

“Oh,” Seulgi breathes out, her eyes suddenly filling with tears. This can’t be happening. This can’t be. 

“I’ve got it handled,” Joohyun guarantees, and the sharpness from before is almost gone now. Instead, it is replaced by the affection and worry for her daughter. “You can go back to your life, I’ll go back to mine, to my daughter and –”

Without thinking, Seulgi steps forward, heart beating loud and fast and blood rushing through her face as she starts, “Is it too late to go back on my word? Can I –” She clears her throat. “Can I meet her now?”

“She didn’t want you to meet her like this,” Joohyun reminds her.

“You can just – just say I’m a friend, or we just met and you mentioned her or something…” Seulgi pleads, and she hates the cadence of her voice, loathes it even, but can’t bring herself to stop. 

Joohyun eyes her one more time, and she pauses, analyzes her. For a minute, Seulgi feels self-conscious of her own clothes, of her job, but she doesn’t care, she just wants –

“I guess I can do that,” Joohyun surrenders – out of pity or want to fulfill her kid’s wish, Seulgi can’t tell – and it seems to physically pain her. 

.

It’s a single hospital room, filled with drawings and pictures and everything a hospital room with someone who hasn’t been there for long shouldn’t have. The thought of it fills Seulgi’s belly with dread and she swallows down the sudden urge to throw up.

Joohyun guides her carefully to the middle of the room and that’s when Seulgi sees her thin figure. 

She’s turned to the wall, arm moving constantly against the desk with a crayon on dainty fingers in which Seulgi assumes it’s another drawing, supposing she’s the one who did the ones hanging on the walls. 

“Hey, honey, I didn’t know you were up,” Joohyun says, sounding nothing like the woman in the hallway.

Mina immediately reacts to her mother’s voice, and drops the crayon to turn around and talk to her.

And she’s everything Seulgi ever imagined she’d be. Her cheeks are even rounder than she expected and her lips’ are similar to Seulgi’s, while her eyes are nothing like hers – round and big, a little like Joohyun’s. 

“Yeah, I woke up a while ago. Didn’t want to bother you,” Mina says, smiling thinly as she comes closer to her mother, and kisses her cheek. She turns her head to Seulgi, wide eyed and curious. “I’m Mina. It’s nice to meet you. Are you a friend of my mom’s?”

But Seulgi can’t say a word. She’s too charmed, tongue-tied, and already in love with a child that’s hers but also isn’t. 

Luckily, Joohyun is the one to save her.

“Yes, she is,” she starts. “We sort of bumped into each other and then we started talking about you and, well, she said she’d like to meet you.”

Mina stares at them, thick eyebrows furrowed. “I see. And why is that?”

Joohyun hums. “Huh? Why what?”

“Why did she want to meet me?” she repeats like it’s obvious, and despite the seemingly harsh words, her tone is light and it sounds like she’s teasing her mother a bit. The thought of it brings warmth to Seulgi’s stomach.

“Oh, you know,” Joohyun starts, unsure how to go on. “It’s just –”

“She mentioned you like to draw, so I got interested,” Seulgi interrupts, suddenly finding her own voice. She points at the drawing Mina hasn’t finished yet, and a tiny smile surges on her face. “This one is beautiful.”

“Ah,” Mina breathes out, and she seems both disappointed and pleased, still glowing with something akin to a  _ knowing  _ look. “It’s not done yet, obviously. I’m trying something new.”

“Oil painting?” Seulgi tries, taking a bold step forward, not caring if Joohyun is going to stop her or complain. 

Mina shakes her head. Then, she scrunches up her nose. “Kind of, yeah. Oil crayons. They’re hard to get around to.”

“And they run out fast,” Seulgi prompts in, and Mina scoffs in agreement, lifting a blue crayon that barely fits on her thumb and index finger anymore. Seulgi smiles. “Here, let me show you what to do when that happens.”

And so Seulgi does, awkwardly finding a place to sit beside Mina. She tries not to stare at the IV pole stand too much, and focus on the girl in front of her who’s eager to learn, and so time flies. 

Joohyun watches them in silence, in distance, only asking from time to time if they need anything. Mina is always the one to reply first, says they’re having  _ fun,  _ which surprises Seulgi because that’s definitely not what she expected. 

But time definitely flies, and then visiting hours are over, so she needs to go. 

The nurse comes over to remind them, and Seulgi shoulders deflate once she realizes that this is it. There’s no do-over. No more chances.

She’s had her chance to meet Mina, and she’ll forever be that awkward adult who’s friends with her mom and came out of nowhere to give her drawing tips once. 

“So I guess this is it, kid,” Seulgi says, swallowing thickly the lump in her throat and standing up from the makeshift table in the hospital room. “I gotta go.”

“Will you be back soon?” Mina asks, suddenly, and Seulgi frowns, not expecting the invite. 

She looks over at Joohyun with shaky eyes, heart racing and swelling with hopes, and dreams, and expectations.

“Uh, this is up to your mom,” Seulgi says, lightheaded.

“I’m sure Seulgi is a very busy woman, Mina,” Joohyun mentions, and if she sounds bitter, Mina ignores it entirely.

“Can you come again?” she pleads, and this time, the request is directed at Seulgi, as if she’s not willing to wait for her mom’s approval.

Seulgi glances awkwardly at Joohyun, scared to double-cross her and end up ruining this new partnership, but the woman remains quiet, unwilling to cooperate, so Seulgi nods. 

“How does next week sound?” Seulgi suggests, and the way Mina’s expression lights up is priceless. She pumps a fist into the air and Seulgi giggles at her excitement. “I’ll come next week, then.”

“I’ll be here. Always am,” Mina says, and despite the meaning of that, there’s no sadness in her tone. “Goodbye, Miss.”

“You can just call me Seulgi,” she offers.

The girl smiles, nods. “Then goodbye, Seulgi.”

“Goodbye, Mina.”

And it’s like that first spark of light coming back to Seulgi’s life after a long, long time.

.

The hall is a bit eerie, and Seulgi suspects that’s why Joohyun chooses to corner her there – posture steady and face stoic after they leave the hospital room as if to intimidate her further. 

“What do you plan to do? What’s your agenda?” she shoots, barely waiting for Seulgi to get close enough to start. “This isn’t a game, Seulgi. You can’t just come to her life like that and then leave when you decide you’ve had enough.”

Seulgi immediately recoils at the sudden harshness. Gone is the supportive mother, the supposedly good friend. There’s no understanding on Joohyun’s tone.

“I’m not –” Seulgi gulps. “That’s not what I’m doing. I don’t have an… an agenda.”

“Oh no?” Joohyun scoffs. “Then what was that? What do you want with my daughter?”

“I just want to meet her. Know about her.”

There’s a furrow between Joohyun’s brows, and she doesn’t seem willing to believe Seulgi that easily. “I know I was the one to go after you, Miss Kang, but you don’t fool me. You rejected my offer, remember that, so don’t expect me to believe you had a sudden change of heart now.”

“I just… I want to know about Mina,” Seulgi says, and she’s tired, and the words sound almost gullible.

Joohyun squints her eyes, doesn’t relax for a single second. 

“Sure you do,” she spits. “I know people like you. And people like you don’t change their mind so easily.”

“You know nothing about me.”

“Oh, but I do,” Joohyun says, walking dangerously closer to Seulgi’s personal space. She hovers above her, eyes flaming. “I know you’ve had over ten addresses over the past 13 years from all over the state, I know about the loan you took out that left you running from debt collectors most of your early adult life, about your terrible taste in men. So trust me, Miss Kang, I know plenty.” 

Seulgi can only stare at her dumbfounded at this new behavior, this will to protect and destroy at the same time. And she’s both grateful and sad, because she’s never had someone like this, but she’s glad Mina does.

“Be back here next week at 3 PM sharp. Tuesday,” Joohyun says after a beat, stealing a last glance over at Seulgi’s direction before taking a step back to leave. “I’ll contact you if anything comes up.”

And then she walks away. Seulgi breathes out, the weight of everything that happened finally landing upon her shoulders.

.

Unsurprisingly, her own apartment is empty when Seulgi comes back. There’s nothing on it that draws her attention, her will to stay in for longer than the night, so Seulgi curls in bed after a shower and tries to fall asleep.

When she does, it’s to a dream of small, thin arms around her waist – an alternate reality where she could’ve had everything.

.

It’s nearly 3:30PM on a Tuesday next week when the doors to the hospital slide open and Seulgi steps inside, panting and sweating a little from running all the way from the train station. 

Some people look strangely at her, but not to the point she feels uncomfortable, so she walks onto the reception desk and gives her name until she’s free to go up to Mina’s floor.

Joohyun is there, and there’s no surprise in her expression once she spots Seulgi coming out of the elevator. 

“So you did decide to come after all,” she says in a mockery tone, arms crossed above her chest. “I wasn’t expecting you to.”

“Things got… hectic at work,” Seulgi decides to explain, and she chooses not to comment about the  _ cutting off expenses  _ meeting she just had. Chooses not to mention how she might be about to lose her job.

Joohyun snorts. “I can’t possibly imagine how things get hectic on a dance studio, but I’ll let that one slide.” She clears her throat, standing back even straighter now. “Mina is finishing some work from school, but I’ll let her know you’re here. Just wait outside.”

She steps inside the room without saying anything else, and so Seulgi stays awkwardly put by the door. 

When Joohyun calls her in, Mina is sitting on the bed this time. The IV drain is still on her arm but it doesn’t seem to bother her, and when she sees Seulgi, her whole face gleams into a smile.

“Seulgi! You really came,” she excitedly says, and all hesitancy Seulgi might have had seems to fade away slowly.

“Yeah, kid, I did,” Seulgi replies, coming closer to the edge of the bed. She feels Joohyun’s heavy gaze on them more than she can see, but she doesn’t let it affect her. Or at least, she tries not to. “How are you?”

“I’m good, I’m good.” Mina waves a dismissive hand. “Do you want to do anything today?”

There’s a slight hitch at the end of her sentence, as if she’s not expecting anything, but Seulgi came prepared this time. Smiling like a mischievous child, she pulls a squared case out of her backpack and gives it to Mina.

“I brought some of my own materials since you said you’re just learning how to draw now. We can try something new if you’re willing to,” she offers, shrugging her shoulders to pretend she’s not nervous about the offer.

Mina, on the other hand, perks up at that. She leans forward on the bed, carefully opening the case and pulling out some of the stuff inside to know what Seulgi’s talking about.

“I’ve never taught anyone how to draw, just so you know,” Seulgi rushes to explain. “Nobody even knows it’s one of my hobbies and I might not be a very good teacher, but I thought maybe I could… I don’t know… give it a try.”

She glances up at Joohyun, who’s already looking back with a frown. There’s the judgmental stare, sure, but there’s something else too. Something Seulgi can’t quite read. 

“I’d like that, yeah.” Mina nods, already disentangling herself from the sheets to sit on the same makeshift table from the other day. 

But Seulgi is not exactly paying attention. She stares at the woman on the back, close to the door and at how quiet she is. 

Joohyun doesn’t say a word, despite Seulgi’s expectations. Instead, she bops her head and turns on her heels to leave. 

The door closes silently behind her, and Seulgi watches her go with odd interest.

It’s only for a short second before she turns her gaze back to Mina, but it’s too late, the kid’s eyes are already glued to her – glimmering like she  _ knows  _ something. She always seems to.

“So…” Mina starts, and Seulgi takes a few seconds to adjust before realizing what’s happening. “Where should we start?”

And she seems so earnestly excited that Seulgi suddenly feels guilty for what she’s doing. For lying, for sucking this warm welcoming from her like she’s any deserving of it.

But she looks at Mina like this – shining with happiness and dedication – and her heart swells, as if the love she’s had for a baby she’d never kept came back in full force. 

Seulgi shakes her head to stop thinking about this because it’s unfair to all of them – to her, to Mina, to Joohyun – and grabs a sheet of paper to start the drawing. Her hands are shaking like a leaf even before she grabs the pastel crayon.

.

“Can we talk?” The voice draws Seulgi’s attention once she steps out of the hospital room and she flushes out of surprise when she notices Joohyun standing outside the room. 

Seulgi sucks in a breath and she’s ready for the impact, ready to hear Joohyun saying she doesn’t want Seulgi anywhere near Mina ever again.

But there’s nothing.

Her eyes fall upon the glass window on Mina’s room and Joohyun’s expression softens, hearing instead of the verbal attack Seulgi feels she’s about to get, the weak comment, “She gets tired so easily lately.”

“Oh,” she mutters, taken aback. 

Seulgi follows Joohyun’s line of sight, shoulders slumping down as she catches a glimpse of Mina, fast asleep on the bed, mouth wide open.

“It wasn’t like this before the surgeries, she was so full of energy. Now a long talk and she wants to take a nap,” Joohyun explains. Then she sighs.

“You never told me what’s wrong,” Seulgi mentions.

Joohyun eyes her carefully, crosses her arms, and ponders over her words before actually saying anything.

“Kidney disease,” she says at once, dropping the bomb. “She was diagnosed a few years ago, but now that her condition has gotten worse we’re just looking for an alternative course of treatment.”

“I see,” Seulgi hums.

Joohyun sighs, pinches the bridge of her nose as if wondering what should be her next move.

“Look, Seulgi, I don’t like you. I’m not going to lie.” 

Seulgi breathes in, and she assumes that’s when the rejections will come, it always does. She gets ready for the letdown, for the inevitable heartbreak of knowing she won’t be seeing Mina ever again, but what Joohyun says next seems to surprise both of them.

“But for some strange, unknown reason, my daughter seems to do.” The woman scoffs. “And I can’t take that away from her, so I’m not going to stop you from visiting if that’s what you wish. I’m not that heartless.” She takes a step forward at each word she utters. If she’s doing it unconsciously or to intimidate her, Seulgi can’t really tell, but it’s working. “But I do need rules and boundaries.”

“Of course, I understand.” Seulgi nods, and doesn’t dare to say anything that might come across as discontent. 

“You can see her on Tuesdays, essentially,” Joohyun says without missing a beat. “If something comes up, we can try to reschedule, but I’m very busy and not particularly fond of you, so I won’t tolerate any excuses.”

She probably expects Seulgi to talk back, some argument, because she leans over just slightly, and when Seulgi nods quietly, muttering a quiet, “Yes, I understand,” once again, she can’t help but notice the disappointment on Joohyun’s face.

“Just don’t lie to her, and don’t make promises you can’t keep. And don’t ever be late again,” Joohyun adds, and Seulgi nods dutifully. “You can go now.”

And obedient as ever, Seulgi quietly leaves. 

.

It doesn’t come as a surprise when Tuesday easily becomes Seulgi’s most expected day of the week. 

It’s a strictly followed routine, and Joohyun is very much demanding when it comes to  _ routine,  _ as Seulgi learns. 

(She’s very demanding in everything else, but Seulgi is not one to mention it. Especially when their relationship is so fragile, always on the verge of breaking.)

There’s always a snarky comment, some joke about Seulgi’s financial condition _ ,  _ and she never reads too much into it. She knows it’s true. 

But at least she’s being more flexible now, and the visits that were supposed to be limited to only Tuesday afternoons, are now allowed in the morning too.

So, on one of the rare days she gets to the hospital and Joohyun isn’t there, she sits on the chair by Mina’s side and does her best to not wake her up. But she’s tired, drained from the night before when she stayed up looking for a part-time job, and ends up falling asleep too.

She comes to by a deep voice not far away from her – someone speaking in hushed tones on the phone. Noticing how comfortable she got in her sleep, she tries to adjust on the chair, stiffly moving the arm she’d slept on, but that only earns her even more curious looks.

Joohyun arches an eyebrow, eyeing her from head to toe as she forgets how she wanted to sit more comfortably, body completely straight instead.

“Have you lost control of your basic motor functions?” she inquires, and Seulgi laughs awkwardly.

Her cheeks burn, and she clears her throat. “No, I’m just – just… relaxing.” 

“I see.” Joohyun looks unconvinced, but she’s got this  _ aura  _ of unapproachability that prevents Seulgi from doing so much as nod. “I have an early meeting today. Mina’s godmother is coming to stay with her, but I’m assuming you’ll want to stay anyway.”

“Of course,” Seulgi whispers, and Joohyun nods before coming to her daughter’s direction and pressing a kiss to her forehead.

It still seems very foreign to her how this woman is still the same who treats her like she’s no one when Mina isn’t looking. But Seulgi understands, and she knows she’s right, can’t really blame her – not even when she shrinks under Joohyun’s searing gaze on the way out. 

.

So Seulgi stays, and when she wakes up again, Mina’s on her bed, busy with something on her sketchpad. 

She thinks about pulling her own, and she’s about to do it when Mina beats her to it, eyeing with a frown between her brows.

Seulgi stops, one hand half inside her backpack and the other resting on her lap. “What do you usually draw?”

Mina doesn’t even blink. “Landscapes. You?”

“People.”

The girl looks up at Seulgi, her frown only deepening. “Isn’t that harder?”

“Well, it depends on what technique you use,” Seulgi explains. “Do you want me to teach some easy ones?”

Mina seems to ponder for a few seconds, hesitate, but then she shakes her head. 

“I don’t feel like drawing today.” She closes her sketchpad suddenly, and Seulgi can’t understand why when she can clearly see the unfinished drawing there. “Can we talk instead?” 

“Talk?” Seulgi gulps. Her hand leaves the backpack unwillingly, insecure, because she can draw, she can teach, but talk is uncharted territory. She’s not sure she can do that.

“Yeah, talk,” Mina says, relaxed. “About you?” 

Seulgi takes in a deep breath, finding it hard to believe this is actually happening.

“You want to know about me?” she asks. At Mina’s nod, she readjusts herself on the chair. 

“Of course I do,” Mina repeats out loud, as if to make sure. “Is that okay?” 

“Yeah, sure. Sure. It’s just…” But she can’t say it. The least she can do is give Mina all the answers she wants, is to give Mina the chance to  _ know  _ her, even though she doesn’t know who Seulgi is. So she smiles – the most natural smile she can muster. “Yeah. Sure.” 

“Great!” She beams, adjusting herself on the bed. She winces, only for a minute, and Seulgi barely has time to ask if she’s okay before she waves her off and changes into another position. “What do you do?”

“I’m a dancer.”

“A dancer?” Mina repeats, amazed. “That’s so cool!”

Seulgi laughs, proud of herself for once. “Yeah. I volunteer here on some days, too. That’s how your mom and I met.”

“Oh, really? What do you do?”

“I just teach some kids the basics.” She shrugs. “Most of them have no contact with other kids so they’re all alone and the dance lessons help them.”

Mina lightens up at that, her whole face twisting into a smile, and Seulgi’s gut tightens when she sees her own eye smile mirrored in the girl. 

“Can you teach me how to dance too?”

Seulgi grins. “Of course I can.”

“I’ll hold you to that.” Mina winks, lighthearted, and carefree, and this seems right. 

But time with Mina always seems to fly, and Seulgi doesn’t even notice when it’s five in the afternoon and Joohyun is leaning against the doorframe. 

“Hey, baby,” she softly says to Mina, and her eyes turn as cold as they can get when Seulgi looks at her. “Hello, Seulgi. Don’t you have classes to teach tonight?”

“Yes, I do,” she says, already standing up. Awkwardly, she pats Mina’s shoulder. “I’ll be back next week.”

“On Friday,” Mina asks, demands. “Come again Friday.”

“I can’t –”

“She’ll be here,” Joohyun replies for her, but there’s no warmth in her tone. She merely stares at Seulgi like she’s not asking either. “On Friday.”

“Right,” Seulgi relents. “On Friday.”

Mina smiles, and that little sparkle of light seems to be dangerously taking a much larger form. 

.

Days with Mina are usually filled with joy and jokes and light humor, but when Seulgi comes back again on Friday, there’s only some bitterness in the air that Seulgi can’t quite grasp. 

She comes back after running some tests, and she’s quieter than usual.

They’ve been getting along well lately, but they’re not exactly friends, so Seulgi doesn’t know if it’s her place to ask anything.

(Seulgi can’t say if they’ll ever be. Not when Mina doesn’t know who she is, not when there’s a huge age gap separating both of them.)

“What’s wrong, kid?” she asks when the silence grows awkward and she doesn’t know how to behave anymore.

Mina shrugs, acts like it isn’t a big deal. Seulgi noticed before she has a terrible habit of doing that, always deflecting.

The girl doesn’t answer, but she picks on the jello the nurse left at her bed earlier that day curiously before eyeing Seulgi carefully.

“You live alone, right?” she asks, instead.

Seulgi frowns, but nods, slowly. “Yeah, I do.”

“Do you ever feel like sometimes it’s just…” Mina purses her lips. If she’s afraid of continuing, or just insecure to voice out her worries, Seulgi can’t tell, so she reaches out for her hand either way and squeezes her fingers in quiet support. Taking a deep breath, the girl goes on, “I don’t know, like it’s too much? Being alone?”

Seulgi raises her eyes from their joined hands, and focuses them on Mina’s confused expression. 

She seems so lost, so scared to ask such a thing, and Seulgi should feel wary that she’s the one she decided to ask that, but she finds out that maybe this is good. Maybe she’s growing on Mina, maybe this is the beginning of… something.

What that  _ something  _ is, she’s not sure either.

“It’s just… I feel kind of alone sometimes,” Mina mentions all of a sudden. She glances at Seulgi, sheepishly, and sighs. “At first because I only had one parent, and then my mom told me she liked girls and I thought I’d be the only kid in school with two moms one day, and then because I was sick all the time while everyone was living their lives.”

“It must’ve been hard,” Seulgi comments, heart heavy. 

“Yeah, I don’t really dwell on it, but…” Mina shrugs, messing with the jello on her lap as if it’s a toy and not actual food. 

She knows what’s that like – the need to talk and the urge to keep quiet. She doesn’t know everything about how Mina feels though, but some of it she can understand, some of it she can relate, and maybe that’s how they’ll get really close. If that’s what Mina wants.

“First time you get sick everyone's there for you, you know,” Mina mentions, suddenly. Her eyes gleam with sadness, and Seulgi aches at it. “Kids at school who didn’t like me came to visit and apologized for being mean and cried. Not so much the second time, or the third. There was one time it snowed so much no one came. Not even my mom could get here on time.” 

She’s pensive now, and her voice drops lower after the last sentence.

Seulgi squeezes her hand again, but the touch is gentle and sweet, and Mina squeezes back with the same intensity.

“I do know what that’s like,” Seulgi starts, and she’s flooded by memories of being alone, but she chooses one Mina will probably relate to better. “Something happened once that I had to go to the hospital, and well I’m not very – I don’t have many close friends. I felt so alone then. The doctors felt so bad for me they decided to let me stay for a while longer, so I wouldn’t be even more alone when I went back home.”

She tries her best not to say much. Mina doesn’t need to know why she was at the hospital in the first place, doesn’t need to know she was so  _ destroyed  _ after watching her own child go into the system that she couldn’t move out of bed for days. 

It’s risky giving this kind of information to Mina, Seulgi’s aware, because she’s a smart kid and she could probably figure things out on her own if she tried hard enough. But she doesn’t. Instead, she smiles. 

“Oh,” Mina mutters, and her eyebrows are arched now. “That was sweet of them.”

Seulgi gives her a one-sided smile. “Yeah, it was.”

“Well, I’m glad you chose to come again that second time. And that you kept coming,” Mina says, and she’s grinning now, so Seulgi has this  _ mission accomplished  _ feeling. “You’re the first person who… I don’t know, the only person outside my family who doesn’t pity me. And we have so much in common.”

Seulgi beams, the edges of her mouth tugging up before she can even think to stop herself. The warmth in her chest seems almost unbearable now, like she’s about to explode.

“I don’t usually talk to my mom about these kinds of things because she’s, well, you know, kind of paranoid,” Mina snorts. “So, thank you for listening.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Seulgi rushes to say, and it pains her a little how Mina has this need to thank her for something that Seulgi should’ve done years and years ago. “I’m always here for you. I’ll always be.”

_ Don’t make promises you can’t keep, _ Joohyun’s voice echoes in her mind, and Seulgi gulps, because oh, how she wants to keep this one. 

.

“What did you do?” Joohyun storms in Seulgi’s direction as soon as she steps out of the room. 

If it’s because she looks like she’s about to cry or because she still doesn’t trust Seulgi to stay thirty minutes alone with Mina without ruining everything, Seulgi will never know. 

“Nothing, I was just…” Seulgi starts, but the words just don’t seem right. “We were talking, and Mina was telling me some things…”

“What kind of things?” Joohyun asks, and there’s no malice in her tone this time. No anger either.

So it’s progress. Joohyun might be willing to listen, to understand. They can make this work.

“Sometimes we just need someone who  _ asks  _ us if there’s something wrong, you know? That makes all the difference,” Seulgi explains patiently, remembering how she barely offered any support and Mina had already clung to it immediately.

Joohyun stands straighter, side-eyeing Seulgi.

“Are you saying I don’t  _ ask  _ my daughter if she’s okay?”

“No, you just – I’m just saying you need to listen to her more often,” Seulgi pleads, and it seems like the wrong thing to say. She rushes to explain, “She just needs someone to –”

Joohyun’s eyes darken, and she gasps, baffled. 

“Do not tell me what I should and shouldn’t do. You have no right to tell me how to raise my daughter,” she says, livid, index finger raised at Seulgi. “ _ You _ have no right! You have no say in anything related to Mina and I!”

Seulgi recoils, heart racing.  _ Run, run, run. _ But her feet seem glued to the ground.

“Joohyun, that’s not what I meant –”

“I don’t care,” Joohyun snaps. She turns her index finger to the opposite direction, the hospital exit. “Leave. Now. Get away from me and Mina.”

“Listen, I –”

“Go, now!”

And so Seulgi does, flees as if fighting against Joohyun was never even an option at all. 

It’s only when she turns around one last time, when she sees Joohyun leaning against the wall in a corner, eyes closed as she catches her breath, that her eyes land on a round, confused face.

Seulgi aches once she notices the pain in Mina’s eyes, but doesn’t stay. She was never very good at that, anyway.

.

Her visits are even more limited now. If then Seulgi should’ve come to the hospital while Joohyun was there, now she has to go while Joohyun is at work. 

It’s a welcome change, ever since the fight she doesn’t feel very comfortable with the idea of  _ facing  _ her ever again, even if it’s only for a couple of seconds.

There’s one day, though, when she’s leaving the room's floor and she’s washing her face in the bathroom sink that she hears it – someone crying. 

She doesn’t want to stay to find out who it is, doesn’t want to make things awkward, but then someone steps out of the bathroom stall and there is Joohyun – in her pantsuit, and heels, and ruined makeup.

Seulgi stays where she is, feeling pathetic for not being able to move, and breathing heavily while Joohyun watches her with unreadable eyes.

“What are you doing here?” she asks in what’s supposed to be an intimidating tone, but Seulgi can only stare at how red her eyes are and gulp at how thin she sounds. 

“Just…” She shrugs, the answer obvious enough. “I came to see her.”

And the mention of Mina seems to awaken a new wave of tears. Joohyun looks up, as if trying to keep herself from crying. 

“Did you know she was in pain?” she asks again, this time stepping closer – much too close to Seulgi’s personal space. 

It’s like all the air has been kicked out of Seulgi’s lungs and she can’t breathe, doesn’t know how to. She stumbles back out of reflex, bewildered.

“What?” 

But Joohyun is restless, and presses forward. “Did you or did you not?” 

When Seulgi doesn’t say anything, Joohyun scans her for some kind of answer, for something, but she probably comes back empty. Her shoulders deflect, her eyes grow darker, dimmer. 

“Her doctor said to me she’d come to him and asked him to make the pain stop. I wasn’t there, Seulgi, I wasn’t –” She takes in a breath, face flushed. “Did you know she was in pain? Was that why you came to me that day?”

“No, I…” Seulgi rushes for an answer, but finds out she doesn’t have one. “We talked about feeling alone. Not about – not about physical pain.” But it suddenly makes sense. How she’d always complain about a  _ minor _ back pain, about how she hasn’t been sleeping well. 

God, she’d been  _ stupid.  _ She knows what it’s like to hide pain for everybody else and yet she didn’t even see the obvious signs.

“Is she feeling alone?” Joohyun asks, and she sounds desolate now. 

“Sometimes,” Seulgi mentions, weakly.

“Oh.” Joohyun breathes out, and takes a step back. She leans against the bathroom wall, shoulders taut and eyes gleaming with unshed tears. “This isn’t going anywhere, is it?”

Seulgi frowns. “What?”

“Us. This stupid fight,” she elucidates. “I know I haven’t been very easy to get along with but maybe we can work together. For the time being, at least.”

The dancer sighs. It’s the only option they have.

“We can try.”

Joohyun nods. And it’s not a promise, but it seems good enough as it is.

.

Joohyun goes in first, and she spends a few good minutes there before Seulgi can finally see Mina.

And when she does, Mina seems tired, but that’s nothing new. What’s new is the blanket on her lap, the one she clings to almost desperately, and for a second Seulgi completely forgets what she wanted to talk about in the first place.

“Where did you get this?”

Mina frowns at the sudden inquiry, follows Seulgi’s gaze with sheer curiosity. “Oh, this? It’s a baby blanket. I got it from my birth mom.”

Seulgi does her best to act surprised, to pretend she doesn’t know about the adoption part as she goes, “Birth mom? Did you meet her?”

“No, not really,” the girl says dreamily. “I’ve had it since I was a baby. My mom said the lady who handled the adoption said she insisted I should have it before giving me away. So, I don’t know, I’ve kept it even after growing up.”

Seulgi smiles faintly, remembers the exact moment this happened. The head nurse had come to her side, asked once again if Seulgi wanted to hold the baby, and she shook her head, tears strolling down her cheeks, and said no.

But she also asked the nurse to take the only thing she brought with her to the hospital – the baby blanket that’s now on Mina’s lap – and give it to her. 

She’s surprised it even got to Mina in the first place, despite the mess adoption homes usually are, and she’s touched that Joohyun bothered to keep it. 

She sits by Mina’s side, runs her fingers along the soft material and is surprised to see how it’s still intact even after all those years. Even the little yellow sewed hearts on the bottom.

Seulgi raises her eyes to meet Mina’s gaze, thinks about saying something but the girl beats her to it. “I think it’s sweet.”

“What?”

Mina lifts the blanket. “That she left this for me. It means she cared.”

Seulgi hums, not confident enough to say anything about it without her voice breaking. Instead she nods, and settles for another question.

“Did you always know you were adopted?” 

“No,” Mina replies thoughtfully. “I found out a couple of years ago, along with the disease, actually.”

She reaches for the tray the nurses brought earlier that day on her bedside table, grabbing the cup with orange juice and slurping it slowly.

Seulgi watches her quietly, a crinkle between her brows.

“Oh… Joohyun never mentioned any of this,” she comments without thinking, and if Mina understands what she means, she doesn’t say it. Neither does she seem willing to.

The girl frowns at her.

“I thought you were her girlfriend, you know,” Mina mentions of a sudden, shaking her head like she’s embarrassed of what she’d just admitted. The tension is slipping away slowly, and Seulgi takes a relieved breath at it. “But you’re not.”

Seulgi laughs, taken aback but keeping her composure. She arches an eyebrow. 

“How can you be so sure? I could be.” 

Mina snorts like the possibility is absurd. 

“Please, my mom would definitely not be able to hide your relationship if both of you had gotten together. She can’t keep a secret from me.” Her voice suddenly turns melancholic, heavy, and Seulgi wonders for a moment if this has anything to do with the  _ adoption  _ detail. “Anyways, I just thought you were her girlfriend because she hadn’t been dating for a while and she was so nervous to introduce you to me back then.”

“But she told you I was just her friend,” Seulgi carefully mentions.

But Mina merely stares blankly at her, doubtful at her words. “You’re not just that either.”

“And who am I?” 

The girl pouts, as if she was thinking really hard but came back empty. “I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure that out.”

“Sometimes it’s better not to know.” Seulgi shrugs.

Mina does the same, and sips on her juice unbothered by the line of conversation. 

“I think the opposite. It’s better to know everything, even if it hurts.”

“We view things very differently.”

“Maybe,” Mina says, and Seulgi doesn’t realize then, but despite the teasing and assumptions, she sees that Mina’s less enthusiastic that day. Her words are more slurred, and she seems even more tired. 

It feels like the beginning of something exhausting.

.

It’s not long until Joohyun comes inside the room. She has a sheepish smile on her face, and the usual weight Seulgi sees on her shoulders is gone.

Now, she can only see Joohyun, the mother who loves her child more than anything, and the realization of it fills her stomach with warmth. 

“I made some carrot cake,” she says, and Mina’s confusion at her mom’s giddiness fades away like it was never even there. “There’s not icing because you can’t eat it, but I –”

Like the kid she is, Mina whines, “Give it to me!” and Joohyun doesn’t even bat an eye before handing her the cake.

Seulgi smiles at the exchange. 

It’s easy to forget that Mina is still very young, still a kid, when there are IV drops by her side all day, when there are nurses and doctors checking up on her three times a day, at least. 

It’s easy to forget she’s still thirteen and probably doesn’t know much about the world either, even though she’s the smartest kid Seulgi had ever met.

But now, as she smiles at Joohyun with cheeks full of carrot cake, Seulgi notices she seems rather small and defenseless. Nothing but a kid who loves cake and her mom. 

Slowly, Joohyun steps away and even though she seems reluctant, she stays by Seulgi’s side near the door.

“I’m surprised her doctors allowed me to give it to her,” she mentions lowly, maybe just to be polite. “But her condition is improving, so maybe that means something too, right?”

She stares at Seulgi through lidded eyes, and Seulgi merely nods, breath caught in her throat at the closeness between them. Careful to go by unnoticed, she takes a step back.

“Yeah, probably.” She smiles awkwardly at Joohyun. “Maybe –”

But she doesn’t get a chance to say anything. The loud beep of the machine monitoring Mina’s heartbeat suddenly hikes, and when they both stare at her, the carrot cake is now forgotten. Mina clutches at her lower back almost desperately, mouth open in a silent cry. 

“Mom,” she mumbles between ragged breaths, and both of them rush to her side. “It hurts.”

Seulgi sees when the nurses rush inside the room, and sees when Mina closes her eyes. If it’s because she passes out or because the nurses induced her to, she doesn’t know. 

The moment after that is nothing but a blur, but she can clearly make Joohyun's usually collected face between the heady heat of it all, and the panicked look she shoots at Seulgi’s direction is enough to make her knees buckle. 

.

They don’t say anything. They don’t explain to her what’s happening, not at all, and Seulgi can only helplessly move around the waiting room as she waits for updates on Mina’s condition. 

All she knows is that she was rushed into surgery and not even Joohyun was allowed to watch it, so they both stay on the sidelines as the experts do their job. 

She’s been pacing around for at least one hour now, and when she glances at Joohyun, she is sitting with her eyes downcast and expression dark. 

Seulgi doesn’t know how to help, so she doesn’t. She minds her own anxiety, and hopes Joohyun finds some comfort in not being there alone, at least.

It’s late into the night when Joohyun finally stands up to be closer to Seulgi. Even though she’s sitting now, she’s sure her anxiety is just as obvious as it was before. 

Joohyun sighs, as if trying to muster enough energy to say something. “Why are you still here?”

Seulgi looks up, eyes lost as she scans Joohyun’s face. “What?”

“You should be home now,” she briskly points out, and Seulgi winces at the mention of  _ home.  _ She can’t think of her empty, undecorated apartment as one. “Why are you here? You won’t be seeing her even when she’s out of surgery.”

“I just want to keep updated on her condition.”

And she feels so small now, so exposed, that she shrinks even more when Joohyun squints her eyes. 

“I really can’t understand you.”

“What do you want me to do? What can I do?” Seulgi asks, almost begs. 

Her pain is obvious in the way she talks, the way she acts, but the woman in front of her is either oblivious by choice or a very good actress.

Joohyun shudders out a breath. “Finding her a liver donor would be a great start.”

“Can’t I donate her mine?” she offers, without a single sign of hesitation.

“You’re not a match. I’ve checked already, her blood type is too rare,” Joohyun mentions. Then she laughs, almost manically, “It’s not like you even care about her. Why does it matter to you, anyway?”

“I care about her, Joohyun. I do,” Seulgi says, and it’s the truth, but she can understand why it sounds so inconvincible when her voice is so thin and shaky. “You can doubt anything about me, but never for a second doubt that I care about Mina.”

Joohyun snorts at the way she refers to Mina, but Seulgi doesn’t take it back. It feels good, and it feels right, even for a moment. 

“Sure you do. That's why you left her.”

Seulgi insists, “I do care about her, don't... don't try to pin this on me.”

But she’s weak, she’s always been, and she’s so, but so damn tired. And Joohyun is nothing but relentless.

“Do you? Then when were you when she needed you? When were you when she broke her arm when she was younger, when she got diagnosed? Where the fuck were you?” Tears are suddenly spilling out of Joohyun's eyes, uncontrolled, and she sobs desperately. “Where were you when she hated me because I wasn't her real mother, when she cried at night because her real mom didn't love her? Because no mother who cares about their child would just leave, so why did you?”

It’s all too much. Seulgi’s exhausted, and she’s sure Joohyun is too, but she can’t understand how any of this is fair at all.

“Because I did! I loved her!” she snaps, voice cracking embarrassingly in the middle. Her heart thumps anxiously, the lesson long ago learned still as hurtful as if it was just carved. “I loved her with every ounce of my being… so much it hurt because I had nothing but love. I left her because I loved her and love gives you nothing.”

Joohyun can't say a word, and Seulgi breathes in, exhausted from letting all this out. She thinks back to being alone, to not having enough money to pay for a decent hotel room because she spent all she had on a baby blanket, and gathers enough strength to go on.

“You chose to be a mom at 23 and I was pushed into motherhood when I had nothing and no one,” her voice cracks at the end, but she doesn’t let it affect her. Seulgi goes on, in an almost sob now, “So no, you don't get to tell me how I feel about my daughter.”

There’s a second where she thinks maybe Joohyun will understand where she’s coming from, will let go of this  _ anger  _ she has for Seulgi that not even Seulgi can understand until this day. 

But she doesn’t.

Instead, the eyes that softened for barely a second are now sharper than before. “As if you have any credibility left in you. Get away from my sight.” she hisses.

Seulgi scoffs, taken aback by her lack of interest. She really doesn’t care, not at all.

It’s surprising how someone so loving and caring as Mina was raised by someone that heartless.

“You’re full of it,” she spits. “How on earth did you get like this?”

Joohyun gasps at the attack, but Seulgi doesn’t stand down. It feels too great to finally find her voice and speak up for once. 

“Once you decide to get off of your high horse and start seeing things from other people’s perspectives, you know where to find me,” she says, already gathering her things to get up from her seat. “In the meantime, I’m the one asking you to get the fuck away from me this time. I’m here for Mina, always have. Never for you.”

She doesn’t wait for Joohyun’s reply. Her body trembles with the anxiety brought on by the fight, about revealing too much, but when she catches a glimpse of Joohyun’s lost expression as Seulgi goes to the cafeteria, she thinks maybe it’s worth it. 

.

When Seulgi comes back to the waiting room, hours later, and sees that Joohyun isn’t there, realization finally hits. 

She tries not to think about it, tries to avoid reliving the moment in her head over and over, but then Joohyun is back and it all seems in vain. 

Until a doctor comes to them and announces that Mina is out of surgery and currently in the ICU. 

Joohyun doesn’t even look at her, doesn’t bother waiting before rushing to her daughter. Which is fine, it’s alright. 

In the meantime, Seulgi stands awkwardly put in the hallway, knowing very well she can’t come in, but wanting nothing more. 

Eventually, a nurse leaves the ICU a few minutes later and she almost runs to her.

“Hi! I’m – My name is Kang Seulgi,” she explains hastily. “I wanted some updates about Bae Mina’s condition?”

The fact that it comes out as a question makes the nurse frown, and say, in a hushed tone. “I’m sorry, ma’am. Only the family is allowed to have regular updates about our patients. It’s our policy.”

“Oh.” Seulgi’s shoulders deflate, and she nods, very unwillingly. “Of course, I understand.”

The nurse shoots her with a pitiful look, and quietly leaves. By the corner of her eyes, she can see Joohyun staring, too.

Without saying a word, Seulgi rushes out of that floor, of that hospital. She can stand anything coming from Joohyun, but never pity.

She finds herself in the garden, feet on the grass as the sun begins to rise in the sky.

There are footsteps approaching, and Seulgi doesn’t have to look to see who it is. But she’s not in the mood to fight anymore. She can’t keep doing this.

“Seulgi?” Joohyun says, and it sounds very foreign to Seulgi’s ears the way she pronounces it. Yet she doesn’t turn around, refuses to acknowledge her presence at all. “Look, I’m not very good at admitting when I’m wrong so I won't repeat myself, but I... I’m sorry. I was too harsh on you earlier.”

This time, Seulgi does turn around, and she must probably look stupid now with how wide her eyes were. She wasn’t expecting an  _ apology.  _

“You were right, I never bothered to look at things from your point of view,” she continues, and the silence must be what propels her to take a step forward. “I've been looking at you all night trying to find a way to talk to you, but you – you kept running around. You simply can’t stay still, can you?”

The joke is harshly ignored, and so Joohyun’s expression falls back into a more serious look.

“And then when I was looking at you I realized...” She breathes in, as if it hurts to go on. “You're so young. I’ve never realized how young you are.”

“What?” Seulgi finally says, more out of reflex than anything.

“How old are you again?” Joohyun insists. “I – I had a folder with information about you at home, what I found when I came searching for you but… I was so caught up in trying to protect Mina that this detail passed my mind.”

Seulgi exhales, heavily and unsteadily. “I’m 31.”

“31,” Joohyun echoes. She works quickly, then her frown deepens. “So you were 18, then?”

“Yeah,” she croaks out, embarrassed. 

“That’s so young, you were practically a child,” the other woman repeats, and she seems lost now. “I had this… this image of you in my head and when you were nothing like what I imagined... it just felt so wrong. I thought so many bad things about you and I realize now I never gave you a chance to show me who you really are.”

Seulgi gets ready to argue, to count back, but Joohyun doesn’t let her. She raises a hand in the air, slowly, as if asking for permission.

“I’ll listen this time, I promise,” she says, and by the way her eyes glow, Seulgi feels this urge to believe her. “I’ll do my best. I want to know your side of the story.”

Seulgi’s shoulders slump down, and she’s both terrified and relieved at the admission. “My life is not very interesting.”

“It doesn’t have to be.”

“And you can’t –” She breathes. “You don’t get to ask about my side of the story and then take it back later. You can’t judge me for what I’ve done.”

Joohyun doesn’t even bat an eye.

“Deal.”

And it’s as good of a promise as Seulgi can get.

.

Mina wakes up the next day. Her eyes seem heavy, and she’s undoubtedly very tired, but the look on her face when she sees Seulgi and Joohyun is priceless.

“You’re here,” she says in a raspy voice, and Seulgi can’t tell which one of them she’s talking about.

“We’re here,” Joohyun replies, already noticing how choked up Seulgi looks. She glances at the woman, eyes soft and glimmering with the wish to understand. “We’re not going anywhere.”

Mina smiles, and that’s all it has to be.

.

“What’s – what’s that?” Seulgi asks, surprised to see the paper Joohyun sneaked into her sketchpad when she thought no one was looking.

“Mina’s schedule,” she says, casually, unbothered as it means nothing at all. “The days of her consults this month.” 

But it does matter. It matters for Seulgi, like the first sign of actual  _ peace  _ ever since she met Joohyun. 

“Are you giving me permission to come whenever she’s free?”

Joohyun hesitates, and Seulgi can’t tell if it’s because she’s not confident in taking this next step, or if it’s exactly because she is.

“Yes, I’m doing exactly that.”

“But – but why?” Seulgi frowns, heart thumping anxiously loud.

“We made a deal, remember? And this is my way of keeping my word.”

Joohyun smiles, and Seulgi feels lost, but so very happy. She laughs, wet and choking, as Joohyun goes on, “I still don’t like you.” And Seulgi never doubted that. It’s so obvious she thought there was no need to even mention it, but Joohyun is adamant. “You’re too brash for your own good, stubborn, reckless, and –”

But Seulgi doesn’t care. There’s this… giddiness, growing in her chest, because it’s obvious how much those words don’t carry the weight it once did. It’s said without actual bite to it.

“Come on,” she says, lowly, and Joohyun smiles weakly. 

“But you’re not the villain of this story.” The woman sighs, and Seulgi can’t tell if it’s disappointment or something else. “So I won’t stand in the way. You can come anytime you wish.” 

Seulgi grins, relieved and happy.

“You have no idea how much this means to me.”

“I do, actually. That’s why I did it,” Joohyun softly adds, extending a hesitant hand to squeeze Seulgi’s shoulder. 

There are tears gathering on the corners of her eyes, and the giddiness is back now, much stronger than before.

“Thank you, Joohyun.”

She reaches over to touch the woman’s hand, but it falls midair, sure she has no right to do that. There’s no need to rush things.

But Joohyun is the one to come forward, and she lays a hand on Seulgi’s shoulder slowly, but surely. 

Her breath stutters at it, and she feels weak, exposed, but she can’t break down in front of Joohyun. She can’t break down at all. 

There are layers of ice all over her body, walls she’s built ever since she was still seventeen and alone, and there’s no way she’ll let it fall down now. 

“You’re showing me who you are, so I guess it’s time for me to show you who I am,” Joohyun starts, squeezing Seulgi’s shoulder. “And who I am is someone who wants the best for her daughter. And so do you, so maybe we can work on that part together.”

The moment is almost… friendly. And it confuses Seulgi. 

She didn’t realize she craved the companionship, but she does, and now she can feel her hands shaking as the first tear slips free. She brushes it away quickly, then withdraws, her shoulders tight and hunched together, but smiles at Joohyun to assure she’s thankful. 

Thirteen years ago, her whole world was twisted in half as she lied in a hospital bed with her head turned away to the small baby she’d just birthed. She had her chance then and missed it, but this feels so  _ close  _ to another beginning that she can’t help but let hope grow and grow.

And maybe, just maybe, this might be the time she’ll finally get it right. 


	2. this must be the place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... one more chapter to go! i don't know how long is it gonna tak for me to finish the 3rd chapter (not sure if i'm going to have to split it too) so no promises about when i'll update again. in the meantime, i hope u guys like this one :)

At 13 years of age, there was no such thing as a safe place for Seulgi. She longed for one, especially at moments like these – the heavy thunder of her mother’s feet echoing on the hallway behind her, the feeling of her cold hands grasping a bit too tight on her arms.

A small dark hiding spot would be enough, somewhere she could dart into and never have to look back.

She already knew the last places in the house her mother would ever go look for her, the ones that were already too dusty for her to even consider stepping in first – her father’s old office, the basement, that gloomy hallway on the east wing.

So whenever things got to be too much, Seulgi would bolt back to the corner of one of those and hug her knees until everything disappeared. It was the closest to a safe place she could ever reach.

Sometimes, she’d wake up on the floor, to the sound of her mother’s shoes crackling on the wooden floor, and feel as her anxiety picked up.

“Seulgi, are you in here?” Her mother’s voice would say, brittle and raspy, and she’d close her eyes again, waiting for the sound of footsteps going away, but it would never come. “Come on out now.”

There’d be no warmth in her tone, no softness in the request, and so Seulgi would shrink into herself one more time.

But she had always been optimistic, had always believed her mother would change, and that’s why she’d come out from her hiding spot waiting for the best. Except, as soon as the door creaked open, the figure waiting for her would be anything but welcoming.

“I’ve told you before to not disobey me, haven’t I?” her mother would ask, and Seulgi would nod, already aware of how this was going to go.

Then, her mother would come closer, tilt her head up with the coldest of fingertips and squeeze her chin as if expecting another act of defiance.

When there’d be no answer, she would grasp Seulgi by the collar of her shirt, push her into her own room until she stumbled on the closest furniture there was.

The reasons for this to happen were always the smallest, always the most trivial, but her mother never seemed to mind. She wanted to punish someone and Seulgi was usually the one on the receiving end, anyway.

“You’re staying in until you learn how to listen to me.”

“Mother, I –”

By now, she should’ve known it was useless. Her mother never cared, and as the sound of rustling keys reassured she was once again locked into her own room, Seulgi hid her face between her knees and waited.

At age 13, as she hid in a poorly lit bedroom with bruises on her skin, it was when she realized she couldn’t stay there anymore.

That night, she lies alone in her own bed, gradually sinking into sleep to the thought of arms that aren’t hers. A gentle hold, one that wraps around her ribs and press softly against her as she dreams of the future. A future with someone warm and kind and gentle, who will hold her until she falls asleep.

.

“Are you alright?” The voice pulls Seulgi back to reality, and she breathes in sharply, surprised.

She’s back at the hospital now, the memories fading away slowly as she focuses on the woman in front of her, waiting for Mina’s dialysis to be over.

Raising her left hand to offer a cup of coffee, Joohyun sits by her side idly, eyes trained on her, and it takes Seulgi a moment to get used to the lack of judgment in them. She accepts the cup with a nod, and grabs it without a word.

But Joohyun doesn’t seem willing to give up, and she stares for a little too long before Seulgi changes her mind about not saying a thing.

“Yeah, I am,” she says, and sips on the drink with no proper explanation for being so absentminded.

Joohyun watches her keenly, and for some reason, decides not to press any further. Instead, she settles for a quiet, “Can I ask you something?”

Seulgi frowns, unsure where this might lead them. It’s one thing to make a promise about telling her side of things, and it’s something else entirely to actually do it, to relive everything in search of understanding.

At Joohyun’s expectant expression, Seulgi nods.

“What did you mean when you said you had nothing and no one?” Joohyun asks, and maybe it’s not the best time to talk about before when Mina can walk on them at any moment.

Danger fact or not, Seulgi shrugs, wondering how to approach the topic. “Isn't it self-explanatory?”

“Can you tell me more?” she asks, and then corrects herself, as if trying not to push her too hard. “It's okay if you don't want to talk about it, though.”

“It literally is what it sounds like. I had nothing,” Seulgi mutters, threads her fingers on her jacket as if searching for a distraction. Tilting her head back, she stares at the ceiling, which looks so much more interesting than the heed in Joohyun’s eyes. “I was a runaway and I... I just couldn't come back to my mother and ask her for help when she wouldn't care at all.”

“How did you know she wouldn't care?” Joohyun frowns, and Seulgi feels this urge to smile at how naïve she is.

“I just do.”

It’s very easy to forget their different upbringings now, when Joohyun finally seems willing to listen for once. But upon closer look, it’s as obvious as it had always been that the woman in front of her had never had to go through something as hard as that, as feeling unloved.

She was probably one of the lucky kids – the one Seulgi would watch from afar and wish to be, with loving parents who would do anything for her and a fat bank account.

“Don't get me wrong, it's just...” Joohyun shrugs her shoulders. “It sounds strange to me that she would turn her back on you. If something like this happened to Mina, I would try everything in my power to support her.”

Seulgi laughs a little, but there’s nothing belittling about it. Meanwhile, Joohyun can only blink back at her, trying to make sense of her reaction.

“Well, you're very different from her,” she starts, confident in her words. “I realized this as soon as I met you.”

“That fast?”

“You just love Mina too much. It's obvious from the way you talk about her.” She reaches over to Joohyun’s shoulder before she can stop herself, and with a gentle squeeze, she adds, “You’re a great mom.”

“Oh,” Joohyun mumbles, taken aback. “Thank you, Seulgi.”

Seulgi doesn’t say anything, but smiles, carefully withdrawing her hand.

It’s late, and she’s conflicted and tired.

Leaning back, Seulgi closes her eyes, still deciding if it’s worth telling everything to Joohyun.

She doesn’t trust easily anymore. She can’t. Her entire life people have used her trust for their own benefit, and she’s not inclined to let it happen again.

Her mother wanted the perfect daughter, and so she went to extreme lengths to get it. It didn’t matter that she was still a child, that she’d just lost her father, the only person who ever seemed to care about her. All that mattered was that she wanted the perfect poster child prodigy, and when things didn’t go her way, Seulgi would be the one to suffer the effects.

Her first boyfriend needed someone to do his biddings, someone easy to manipulate in order to get what he needed. Seulgi can’t remember a single time she’d ever stole for herself and not because he asked her to. In the end, all that relationship got her was scars from running from the police and a baby she could never keep.

But Joohyun… Joohyun is a whole different case. Joohyun is the mother of the child she gave birth to all those years ago, is the one who gave Mina everything.

There’s no way she can give all her trust to Joohyun when she knows it’s not fair, when she’s the one who would benefit the most if she crumbled.

And yet, it feels… good to have someone to talk to.

“Seulgi?” said woman calls for her attention, and Seulgi hums softly, snapping out of her reverie. Joohyun offers her a small, kind smile, before asking, “Tell me about before.”

“Hmm,” Seulgi mutters again, eyes still closed, not knowing what she wants to share. “I don’t even know where to begin.”

But Joohyun keeps quiet, lets Seulgi figure out her thoughts and words on her own. Seulgi appreciates the absence of pressure.

She decides to start from the beginning.

“I was a stupid teenager. Very stupid, by the way. I had a boyfriend and I thought he cared about me and I was just so desperate to leave my mother’s house that I ran away with him,” Seulgi tells her, voice wavering. “When he found out I was pregnant, he just left me alone in a hotel. And well, with nothing.” She laughs humorlessly.

“I’m sorry,” Joohyun says, but Seulgi’s not actually listening.

“I worked my ass off at diners and anywhere I could find job offers so I could do my monthly check-ups. By the time Mina was born I was even more alone, and I had even less. The only money I had I used to buy a baby blanket for her.”

Joohyun listens attentively, and Seulgi struggles to associate her with the same Joohyun she met before. It’s not fair to keep doing that, she knows, but she can’t bring herself to stop for some reason.

“I saw it, by the way. The blanket,” she adds. “It means a lot that you kept it.”

Joohyun locks eyes with her, and her lips tug up a little around the edges.

“She loves that blanket so much.”

Seulgi laughs, wet with tears. “She told me.”

Joohyun turns pensive now, more guarded. She takes a deep breath before she starts, “It must've been so rough to you. And I was such an asshole.”

But Seulgi can only laugh in disbelief.

“I'm used to assholes, really. But you're not one,” she explains, and then shrugs. “Well, maybe a very protective, annoying mother.”

“Annoying?”

“A little.”

She bumps their shoulders. If it’s supposed to be a punishment for the teasing, Seulgi is not sure, but she feels her heart softening at the exchange.

“You’re not going to make me like you if you keep doing this,” Joohyun says, but it sounds shallow now, meaningless, and Seulgi grins at it. “You're going to have to try better to get that far with me.”

Seulgi pretends not to notice the sudden tightness at her own chest.

“Looking forward to it.”

.

It all feels like an entire different world she’s living in when Seulgi comes to Mina’s room some days. For starters, when Joohyun sees her, there’s no judgmental weight on her gaze. She even smiles a little, tenderly, like she’s embarrassed of offering her an honest one.

But it’s more than enough, and Seulgi takes these quiet little moments with them in gratitude. She hasn’t had such a nice week in a while.

Despite the progress she and Joohyun had, she prefers to keep her distance, and knows better than to try anything more than that when it comes to both of them, but it’s nice either way.

It’s fun to watch how easily Mina and Joohyun tease and quip at each other, always without any actual bite. It makes her feel so unbearably warm inside — a kind of warmth her heart didn’t seem capable of feeling.

Self-indulgent or not, Seulgi spends her nights there when Joohyun has to work.

Time and again she finds herself snuggled to Mina’s side on the bed, unconsciously running her fingers through the girl’s hair as she helps her with yet another drawing.

What surprises her the most though, is how often she finds Joohyun at the door, calmly watching them, a timid beam on her face.

Most of the time, she leaves them alone to have some quiet quality time, but sometimes, she walks over to them with gentle earnestness in her eyes.

Sometimes, she ruffles Mina’s hair and presses a sweet kiss to the top of her head as she asks them about their day together and Seulgi gets this… this weird feeling of being in a fantasy.

An alternative reality where she could’ve had this – a family. And it’s almost perfect, if there wasn’t this voice at the back of her mind reminding her that she doesn’t deserve any of it.

But even if she’s not entitled to it, she wants it all. She wants these kinds of peaceful, family-like days, and that’s where danger lies.

Because if you get a glimpse of hope and it’s taken away from you, it hurts more than if you’ve never had anything at all. And that’s something she’ll have to live with, something she’ll always have to keep in the back of her mind.

Tonight, they stay in Mina’s hospital room again, talking about everything and nothing at the same time. Mina’s on the bed, Joohyun by her side on the mattress and so Seulgi leans against the footboard.

For some reason, regardless of the hospital setting, it all feels strangely domestic.

Joohyun looks over her shoulder with a shy smile, and so Seulgi mirrors her expression without any thread of hesitation.

She’s kinder now. Still demanding, and sharp, and overprotective, but Seulgi can now see a side of her that she couldn’t before. A softness that only appeared with Mina, and that now it’s starting to appear more in her presence.

Her chest squeezes at the thought and Seulgi craves for something that was never meant for her.

For a moment, it suddenly feels right to want this, to let herself fall into this dream world.

A world where Mina had finally warmed up to her, where Joohyun seems ready to have her in their lives. And she feels as though she could wait forever for that, she could endure anything to have it.

But she doesn’t have forever, not when Mina’s condition seems to be getting worse by the second.

And maybe this is what love actually is. The strength to do what’s best for everyone even if it hurts.

The fact that she loves Mina is irrelevant in the greater scheme of things. There is no way this closeness could be permanent; no chance she can stay without ruining everything. So she takes what she gets, and hopes it will be enough in the long run.

.

The hospital room is still empty by the time Seulgi wakes up one day, all sprawled on the visitor’s armchair. The clock by Mina’s side blinks back at her, and she sighs once she realizes it’s already eight in the morning and that she probably won’t get to work in time.

She still has to shower, to eat, and the bus probably won’t pass by the hospital anytime soon. And yet, she can’t really move.

On the hospital bed, Mina lies there, motionless, and Seulgi reaches over to hold her hand as tightly as she can. The girl is still asleep, and her chest goes up and down with every hard breath she takes.

While she rests, Seulgi looks at the monitor that tracks Mina’s heartbeats with a tightness she carries on her own. She watches Mina sleep, and holds her as if she's her entire world and cannot dare to let go.

And as she breaths unsteadily, Seulgi closes her eyes and wishes, and wishes. That's all she can do these days.

She needs to get up as soon as possible, needs to get ready, but there’s no energy to move. But it’s only about ten minutes later that the sound of tall heels coming closer distracts her.

When Seulgi looks over at the door, Joohyun is there, and despite the tired expression she carries, there’s a different kind of excitement in it, as well.

“I figured you’d be here,” she mutters, smiling a little. “Thank you for keeping her company while I was at work. This case is –”

“It’s alright, I don’t mind,” Seulgi cuts her off, and does her best to mirror her smile, not wanting to sound rude. Then, she notices the thermal bag in Joohyun’s hand, and wonders if she made yet another meal that Mina likes just to cheer her up. “What’s that?”

“It’s for you,” Joohyun says instead, startling Seulgi a little. “Do you remember how I asked what was your favorite meal?”

Seulgi does. It wasn’t even that long ago – maybe two days before. They were waiting for Mina’s dialysis again, sitting by the hospital’s garden this time.

“What do you usually like to eat?” Joohyun had asked, suddenly, drawing a confused expression on Seulgi's face.

Seulgi paused, unsure. She’d never really thought about it, in all honesty, not once in her whole life. There was food she could fit in her jacket and food she couldn't, food she could afford and food she couldn’t. “Uh, I guess I don’t really have one.”

“Come on,” Joohyun insisted, bumping their shoulders together, but not moving her eyes away from the sun setting in distance. “No favorite childhood meals?”

Seulgi had answered with a scoff, then, “Unless you got canned soup in there…” At Joohyun’s frown, she shrugged and added, “My mom didn’t really like to cook, and she was barely home, anyway. I had to go with what I had.”

Joohyun had turned to face her, but Seulgi remained still. She didn’t need anyone’s pity – let alone Joohyun’s.

“Yes, I remember,” she answers, trying not to get too lost in her own thoughts.

“Well,” Joohyun drawls, excited. She pulls the makeshift table by the other side of the room, and brings it closer to Seulgi. When she assembles it in front of her, Joohyun finally slides the thermal bag over and opens it. “I brought you some homemade meal.”

“Oh,” Seulgi breathes, still taking in the image of a warm chicken soup pot right in front of her.

“You need some nutrients, anyway, so I thought you could use the favor,” she kids, still grinning widely. Seulgi raises a brow, and Joohyun squints her eyes as she goes, “Just try it. I’m sure you’ll like it.”

Seulgi does try it, stuffs one spoon of it in her mouth just to get a taste. Joohyun’s expression flickers briefly, expectantly, and Seulgi decides to tease her a bit by making a face.

But then she swallows, and turns around to face her more appropriately, and groans. “Oh God, this is so good!”

She glances up, right on time to catch the pull of satisfaction at the corner of Joohyun’s mouth. “I told you.”

Seulgi doesn’t listen. She stuffs more of it into her mouth, then says with cheeks already full, “No but seriously, don't let this get to your head or anything, but this is probably the best soup I've ever had in my life.”

Joohyun doesn’t say it out loud, but she’s probably thinking of course it is, all you had was canned soup. Seulgi feels self-conscious out of sudden, embarrassed for even saying anything, but Joohyun’s expression doesn’t change.

If anything, she just looks content.

“I’m glad you liked it.” And there’s no expectation behind those words, no sneer in her eyes.

For a minute, Seulgi feels incredibly lucky to have someone like her.

.

The following day, Joohyun is there by the time Seulgi gets to the hospital after work. It’s late, and they’re both notoriously drained.

Before going inside, Seulgi watches from afar how Joohyun is comfortably seated on the armchair by the side of the bed, how she closes her eyes very slightly, and then stirs awake again.

Mina is distracted, barely seems to notice how her mom is struggling to keep awake, busy trying the new pencil brushes Seulgi gifted her.

Seulgi decides not to go in yet, going to the cafeteria instead. She orders a cup of tea, knowing very well that’s what Joohyun usually orders at this time of the day.

By the time she’s back, Joohyun is already half asleep, and Seulgi has to tiptoe across the room to come closer.

When Mina notices her presence, she smiles instantly, untroubled. The pencil set is soon forgotten, and she asks Seulgi to come closer with a hand, not wanting to wake her mother up.

Seulgi does, but as though sensing her presence, Joohyun immediately stirs awake. She frowns, squinting her eyes to see who’s there.

“I brought you tea?” Seulgi says, a little tentatively, index finger already pointing at the cup on the bedside table, and Joohyun sighs as if relieved.

“Hey,” she mumbles, half-awake, as she reaches to get the tea. “Thank you, Seul.”

“I really don’t know how you like that,” Seulgi comments, nose twisted in disgust.

She remembers when she tried to accompany Joohyun once, ordering two cups of her favorite flavor instead of just one. It was a disaster, to say the least. It was too sharp for her taste, way too little sugar to mask the bitterness. She didn’t try any drink Joohyun offered after that.

Mina follows with a lighthearted, “It’s gross! She drinks it every day and sometimes even tries to make me drink it.”

“Hey!” Joohyun says, sounding offended or at least pretending to, just in time for Seulgi to mask it with a, “I’m so sorry she puts you through that, kiddo.”

Joohyun snorts, rolls her eyes at their behavior, but doesn’t say anything anymore. Not until she sips on the tea, and smiles, like her energy was just recharged, “You guys are missing out.”

“And we do it happily,” Mina complies, earning a loud chuckle out of Seulgi.

Joohyun shakes her head, and chooses to focus on her drink instead of going on with the bickering. Seulgi takes the moment to sit on the couch, and now as everyone is busy doing their own thing, she decides to do it too. She’ll spend the night, anyway.

She’s in the middle of scrolling down through a list of tips on how to get better use of pastel colored pencils when it happens – it’s as sudden as tripping on the last step of a stairwell, the rush flowing through her veins and the curl in her stomach, like a fist inside.

Seulgi barely gets to the bathroom in time, almost slipping on the blue tiles as she kneels down, and throws up. She tries not to think about how it’s happened before, when she was still pregnant and scared and alone.

But she's not alone this time.

Joohyun comes to her almost immediately, holds her in her arms and whispers words that Seulgi can’t quite understand because of the blood rushing through her body, her own heart pounding on her ears.

When Seulgi’s body relaxes, she slumps down against Joohyun’s front, no strength left to move. She feels pathetic, exposed, and worried about how Mina might see her now, someone weak who can’t barely keep her food in her own stomach.

“How do you feel?” Joohyun asks instead, with nothing but worry and care in her tone. Seulgi shakes her head, determined not to answer, but she repeats, more sternly, “How do you feel, Seulgi?”

“I’m alright, it’s probably nothing,” she repeats, but can’t yet move. She feels even more miserable now.

Joohyun doesn’t seem to buy it. Her lips purse in confusion, and worry, so she curls a messy strand of Seulgi’s hair and tucks it gently behind her ear. “Come on, I’ll take you to the couch.”

The mother in Joohyun seems to jump then, this subtle aura of assurance that’s both comforting and stern when she tugs Seulgi softly for her to stand. She clings onto the woman’s arm as soon as she’s back on her feet, and Joohyun guides her back to the couch, a warm hand on Seulgi’s hip.

Seulgi grins, still a bit lightheaded. “You gonna tuck me in, then?”

She can feel Joohyun's chuckle against her body, low and deep. “You wish.”

But she does, and Seulgi feels warm as soon as she’s gently dropped on the couch. Mina is watching their interaction intently, but worried, and she seems to struggle if she’s going to tease them or relieve the tension.

In the end, she seems to settle for the latter. “Seulgi, what happened? Are you okay?”

Seulgi waves a dismissive hand. “Of course I am, kid. That was nothing.”

“But you– you just–” she stutters, unable to finish.

“It was probably just food poisoning. Really, it’s no big deal,” Seulgi reassures the girl, wishing she could get up and brush that frown away with her own fingers without getting dizzy. She doubts it will happen soon.

Except it seems to be the wrong thing to say, because as soon as she does, Joohyun already has an eyebrow lifted at her direction, “Are you saying I poisoned you?”

“No, not at all.” Seulgi laughs. “It doesn’t sound like you. You’d probably choose a different method to get rid of me.”

Joohyun squints her eyes, bewildered, “Really? Care to explain why?”

“It’s obvious,” she replies with a roll of eyes. “You’d probably be offended by me throwing up after. I feel like you’d want me to apologize.”

“She definitely would. She gets offended easily whenever the topic is her cooking,” Mina says, and laughs loudly, meanwhile Joohyun can only raise her dark eyebrow higher. She flicks Seulgi’s forehead, as if punishment, but Seulgi doesn’t care – she’s still smiling brightly despite the teasing.

“Really? Good to know,” Seulgi mumbles, eyes crinkling. “But no, I think it’s just something I ate at work.”

Joohyun signs as if she’s about to flick her forehead again, but doesn’t. She ends up pushing Seulgi’s feet a little bit to the side, only to get enough space free for her to sit.

Seulgi immediately stiffens. "What are you doing?"

Joohyun shrugs like it shouldn’t even be a question, eyebrows drawn together, before asking, "What do you mean?"

“I mean,” Seulgi starts. “Why are you sitting here? On the couch?”

“You’re sick. You need me to watch over you,” she replies.

“No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do.”

“God, can you both just agree on something for once?” Mina groans, but she doesn’t sound genuinely bothered. In fact, she’s smiling as she says it.

Seulgi sighs, like she’s surrendering, and starts again in a lower tone, “We’re at a hospital. I’m sure they can do something for me if my condition gets worse. I doubt it will anyway.”

“You sound very sure,” Joohyun says.

“It’s because I am. Don’t worry.”

Joohyun doesn’t seem to believe her, but the crinkle between her brows does soften a bit.

Mina is distracted on a drawing again, so Seulgi takes the opportunity to move around a little, only enough so her head is now on Joohyun’s lap.

Joohyun’s hands hover awkwardly over her head, only taking a moment to finally settle, warm fingers brushing strands of Seulgi’s hair as she closes her eyes and sinks quietly into her lap.

“I’m gonna take a nap,” she announces, already feeling sleepy.

“As you wish,” Joohyun says, gently, and then adds with a little mischief, “Just please don’t snore this time.”

“I never do,” Seulgi mumbles, hiding her face on Joohyun’s lap as her grin grows. She definitely does.

“Sure, Seul.”

With Joohyun’s fingers threading her hair, the quiet soothing sounds of a machine monitoring Mina’s heartbeat, she starts to feel warm, to the point of forgetfulness, comforted by the angle of Joohyun’s body against hers.

And because she's sleepy, and warm, and comfortable, she can't resist the swell in her chest – the solace brought by arms that are not her own holding her until she falls into slumber.

.

It all changes very suddenly. Seulgi doesn’t understand why she’s so surprised, not when her whole life was built around change. But she comes to the hospital one day, and she’s in shock to see the gathering inside Mina’s room.

It’s filled with doctors, and Joohyun has tears in her eyes as she hugs Mina.

Seulgi feels her heart picking up, the erratic beat reflecting her worry, but then the woman laughs in what sounds like relief, and she feels herself relaxing at it.

“Haven’t you heard?” someone says next to her, and when Seulgi turns around, a nurse stares at her with curious eyes. Her name tag reads Sooyoung and Seulgi clearly remembers seeing her with Mina many times before.

“What?”

“She’s got a donor,” Sooyoung says. “Why aren’t you in there celebrating?”

Because she didn’t know. There’s no way she would have known sooner, in fact, not when her friendship with Joohyun is still so recent.

“I’m not… I’m not family.” The words come out strained, and Seulgi clears her throat to pretend it doesn’t bother her.

The nurse seems unwilling to believe, and she peers at Seulgi with squinted eyes. “Please, I can literally see her on you. And I know about the adoption. I’ve been treating her for years.”

“She doesn’t know who I am.” Seulgi’s shoulders slumps down, utterly disappointed. She doesn’t even seem to mind how easily Sooyoung placed things together. “And I don’t plan on telling her either.”

“Why?”

“She’s going to hate me.”

Sooyoung frowns, crosses her arms as she analyzes Seulgi. “She loves you.” It’s said as a matter-of-fact, but Seulgi has no strength left in her to let herself be bought so easily.

“No, she doesn’t,” she croaks out, feeling as it burns against her throat. “She likes her mom’s friend. Not the woman who gave her up. And this is only temporary anyway.”

Because she always runs, she almost says.

It’s the logical solution – if she doesn’t leave, she’ll ruin things for Joohyun and for Mina. If she does, she’ll only ruin it for herself, so there’s no doubt which one she’ll choose.

She’s familiar with it, with running. That might be the only permanent thing in her life, after all. She’s been doing so for a lifetime now – packing up her life from her mother’s house, from the streets, from city to city. She’s always moving on, whether it is by choice or not.

Sooyoung seems curious now, intrigued. She leans against the wall, arms still crossed as she offers Seulgi her undivided attention.

“Why’s that?”

Seulgi shrugs, mirroring her movements. “I don’t… I don’t do roots.”

It’s an obvious lie. No matter what she tells herself, no matter how many times she insists, this isn’t true anymore.

The nurse has this look on her face now that makes Seulgi want to stop talking, but something in her compels her not to. And maybe it’s because of who she is, of how strongly she kept this to herself over the past years, but she can’t bring herself to stop now.

“I mean, maybe they’ll notice when I’m gone, but it won’t matter.” She snorts. “They’ll move on soon enough. I’m not the kind of person people hold onto.”

She looks over to Mina’s room, where Joohyun still clutches onto her tightly. It’s only for a moment when their eyes meet through the window, and without a single beat of hesitation, Joohyun beams at her, calling her over with her hand.

“Roots, as you so call them, aren’t something easy to see,” Sooyoung comments. “So it might take some time to recognize them if you’ve never had those before.”

“Don’t try to make me feel better,” she snaps, because she can’t take another lie. Mina will do fine without her, and so will Joohyun. She was never needed there, and she won’t be needed now.

“I’m not. There’s no need to,” the nurse insists. “You would see it too if you paid enough attention.”

Seulgi doesn’t bother listening longer. It all sounds like some made up lie to make her feel guilty, so she nods goodbye to Sooyoung, and goes to where Mina and Joohyun is.

That’s all she needs anyway.

.

And maybe it’s a sign she can’t stay there for much longer when she’s told her services are no longer needed at the dance studio. She has some extra money, though, so she promises herself to stay long enough until the transplant goes through – only a couple days away after she hears the news.

But it hurts to see that Joohyun is actually trying now, she’s doing her best.

“What about the debt?” Joohyun asks one day, in a voice so low Seulgi has to lean forward to hear her better. “What was it for?”

“Medical expenses, mostly.” Seulgi leans back on the couch, trying her best to maintain her composure and not act embarrassed. Money is a touchy subject, after all, had always been. “I paid for most of it, then I made a deal with the state.”

“Doesn’t sound very fair.”

“It never is.” Seulgi thinks about keeping quiet now, remaining silent now that Mina is finally asleep, but she can’t, so she asks, more out of curiosity than anything, “What do you do, by the way?”

Taken aback, Joohyun frowns at the question. Even though they’re at opposite sides of the same couch, it still feels weird to be so close to Joohyun, so Seulgi scoots a bit to the side.

“I’m a prosecutor for the state,” she mentions, a hint of a smile on her lips.

“And here I was saying how unfair the system was,” Seulgi says, rolling her eyes.

“In your defense, I was the one who said it first.” Joohyun giggles, close-mouthed, as if embarrassed to actually laugh. In a haste, she stands up, not waiting for Seulgi to reply before saying, “Come on, let’s have dinner, I’ll buy you some sujebi. I’m sure Mina won’t wake up anytime soon.”

Her heart stammers out a messy beat, remembering how she’d mentioned the day before she was craving for some sujebi.

The fact that Joohyun’s doing an effort still surprises her sometimes, but in a good way, so she doesn’t let it show. An effort for nothing, because there’s no way she can ever stay. No way she’ll ruin their happiness and stability.

But the worst part about this is probably the fact that Mina is growing even more attached.

Despite everything, Seulgi still volunteers at the hospital on other days of the week. It’s a nice routine, one that she's already settled in.

But one day, after a particularly long session, she steals a glance towards the door only to find Mina over there, in a wheelchair, smiling giddily.

These days, she can’t really walk. Her back hurts too much, the effort makes her even sicker, so wheelchair it is.

Mina doesn’t seem to mind though. When Seulgi comes to visit, she finds the girl’s room empty, only to see her strolling through the hallways like she’s at a park and not a hospital.

The head nurse in her care, Sooyoung, is always reluctant to deny her some so-called adventure, so there she is again this time – standing quietly by her side, not seeming the least bit resentful for indulging all of this.

“You’re so cool,” Mina comments, light and excited. “You’re teaching me next, right?”

And Seulgi doesn’t have the heart to turn her down.

“Of course I am.”

She ruffles the girl’s hair and after seeing Mina’s smile, Seulgi can’t help but lean forward and press a kiss to her forehead.

.

Mina’s interest in drawing finally blossomed enough to the point she asks Seulgi tips on how to draw people one morning. And Seulgi is more than happy to do so.

After a quick lesson on where to start, Mina starts with choppy strokes, the details first, and Seulgi quietly watches as the girl tries her hand at this new style.

And as if letting something inside of her win against her better judgment, Seulgi decides to draw Mina.

It’s not the best of starts, but still, she tries her best. She begins by the sloped button nose, and connects it with the round eyes that remind her so much of Joohyun. Then, she draws a sharp, stubborn jaw that hardens when Mina concentrates on something, and doesn’t even miss the small scar at the girl’s chin.

It’s slow, crafty work, to paint someone as beautiful as Mina, but she has no intention to give up. And when the girl stares at her drawing with a knowing smile, Seulgi lets out a self-conscious laugh.

“It’s not bad, right?”

“It looks like me,” Mina says, pretending like the drawing isn’t exactly her. She touches the paper with a hesitant hand, then pulls back to point out at her own sketchbook. “What about mine?”

It’s a drawing of Joohyun. Seulgi blinks at it, at the hard lines in Joohyun’s face and the soft ones, too, and peaks at the photograph Mina chose to use as base. Her resemblance to Mina is uncanny, and she feels even more charmed now.

“Good job, kid.”

It gets harder and harder to think about leaving in moments like these, when Mina is all things sweet and kind and understanding. She treats Seulgi like an actual friend now, someone she trusts and cares about.

And Seulgi doesn’t want to name what this is. It doesn’t sound right to name it love when it comes from Mina’s side, sounds selfish to even think about it.

She’s spent a lifetime not knowing love, and it seems strange to imagine that maybe this is where it’ll start – from someone who should’ve never met her in the first place.

But it grows, and it festers deep around their hearts, and Seulgi doesn’t know what to do.

So she does what she does best and ignores it.

.

But they’re running out of time.

Mina’s donor is a seventeen-year-old boy who is braindead for almost a whole month, yet the family refuses to shut down his ventilator.

It makes Seulgi wonder for how long they can keep doing this, how long will they ignore how Mina’s health only seems to deteriorate and how no treatment is effective enough.

Joohyun is the strongest between the two of them, and she’s the one to comfort Seulgi when things are tough, but while their friendship is improving, there are no actual signs that Mina's condition is too.

Still, they try.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes, it all feels like they’re one step closer to letting everything fall down to shreds.

This time it starts with a request from Mina, to which Joohyun happily complies.

The girl stares at her mother in awe as she asks, “What? You’re getting it for me?”

Joohyun shrugs like it shouldn’t even be a question. “Yes.”

“That easy? No arguments, no complaints?” she repeats, baffled, but already holding the phone in hand excitedly, the expensive drawing set flickering on the screen.

“Yes, just like that.”

“What kind of lawyer are you?” Mina squints her eyes.

Her mother laughs, and messes her hair lovingly. Her hand brushes her cheek delicately. “Not a good one when it comes to you, apparently. Now go find your godmother and ask her to buy it. She knows my credit card information.”

After a fist pump in the air, Mina leaves the room in her wheelchair, excited to go look for her godmother.

And so Seulgi stays with Joohyun, awkwardly put by her side until the sound of the woman’s voice distracts her.

“Did you ever think about keeping her?”

“No,” Seulgi says at once, no hesitation, but it’s a lie. A well-practiced one, but a lie nevertheless.

Joohyun sits by her side on the hospital room’s couch, carefully setting a distance between the two of them.

“You forget that I’m very good at reading you.”

Seulgi huffs through her nose. She’s reluctant at first, but there’s no point in keeping things from Joohyun, not when she knows the woman will find out eventually. So she tells her everything.

“Of course I thought about keeping her,” she admits against her will. “But for completely selfish reasons.”

“Tell me.” Joohyun tilts her head to the side, genuinely curious.

“I thought… I thought that maybe if that innocent, beautiful child could love me, maybe I wasn't worthless, after all. Maybe I was something. But love is nothing. Love gives you nothing.” It’s the second time she repeats that to Joohyun, more out of reflex than anything, and the words burn against her tongue still. “But when I saw Mina for the first time, I knew what I had to do. I couldn’t keep her. I needed to give her her best chance.”

“Love gives you nothing?” Joohyun echoes, probably remembering how she’s said it before, when they fought last time. “What are you talking about, Seulgi? Love gives you everything…”

Seulgi snorts, eyes filled with tears of regret, and love, and years of self-inflicted pain. “Easy to say when you always had everything. All I have is Mina. And I’m about to lose her.”

Joohyun frowns, confused. She sits forward on the couch. “But she’ll get better, she’s –”

Seulgi doesn’t bother explaining, doesn’t mind telling her this is all temporary. They’ll soon realize they were both better off without her and they’ll both be again once she leaves, so that’s what she’ll do.

“She's not my daughter, you know,” Seulgi says, of a sudden, breaking through the silence Joohyun fell into. “I know I said it before in the heat of the moment, but I... I'm not her mother.”

“Being a mother and having a daughter are two different things, Seulgi, let's not step ahead of ourselves.”

Seulgi takes in a breath, looking for the right words.

“Sometimes I wonder if you didn't find the wrong person, you know. The wrong teenager who had a kid because there's no way that smart girl has any blood related to mine.”

And now Joohyun just looks offended, baffled.

“Seulgi?” Her eyes are wide, and she has a slight tilt to the edge of her lips like the beginning of a smile. “She looks just like you.”

Seulgi grins, heart warm and hopeful. “Really?”

“Yeah...”

“I always thought… Her eyes look so much like yours,” she says, staring straight to Joohyun’s doe eyes with her head tilted to the side. “I guess nurture is stronger than nature sometimes, isn't it?”

Joohyun rolls her eyes, good-naturedly. “I'm not sure that's how it works.”

And maybe that’s something. It’s growing steadily, in slow motion even, but it is something, and maybe that’s a good thing.

But then everything stops.

It starts with the sound of something falling – a plastic cup that spills the orange juice in it all over the hospital floor. It ends with big round eyes staring at both women with utter betrayal in them.

“You’re my birth mom,” Mina says, and there’s no doubt in her tone. It’s not a question, but an affirmation – one that by the looks of it, Mina has been meaning to voice for quite some time now.

“Mina…” Seulgi starts, but finds out she doesn’t know how to go on.

She sees the tears starting to form on the corners of Mina’s eyes, and she can’t do this, she can’t stand it, so she does what she does best, what she had always done when things are too much. Seulgi turns around and runs.

.

The door closes with a bang, and so Seulgi hides in the bathroom stall with her face hidden between her hands. Chest clenching painfully tight, she remembers about doing the same thing when she was younger, remembers shrinking into herself in her own room, in the basement, anywhere she could find, actually.

The disappointment in Mina’s eyes are flashing on her mind on repeat, and the sinking feeling of utter fear as she stormed out of there…

She’s scared. So, but so damn scared of pushing Mina away when she’s the only thing Seulgi’s been sure of wanting in her life lately. And it’s a selfish way to put things, she’s well aware, especially when she’s the one who is about to leave.

But she can’t help it, can’t find it in herself to do anything but go.

It’s for the best, she only wants what’s best for Mina.

But… is it really?

She curls her own arms around herself and can almost hear Sooyoung’s voice ringing in her ears, and can almost hear the word roots echoing in her head.

Seulgi doesn’t know for how long she’d stayed there, but once she finally steps out of the bathroom, Joohyun is on the other side of the hallway, shoulders taut and a crestfallen look.

Almost instantly, Seulgi takes another step back, as if ready to storm out and hide again. There’s no way she’s strong enough to stand Joohyun’s anger, no way she can power through that – especially now, after they’ve started to properly get along.

“Look, Joohyun, I –”

But she can’t say it, the words simply don’t come out, and Joohyun still has this disconsolate semblant.

“Don’t say anything,” Joohyun asks, and Seulgi swallows hard, trying her best not to cry. She thinks this is where it ends, where Joohyun will finally push her away for good. And if she does, Seulgi can’t blame her. Not at all.

They’ve agreed on that very first day that Mina wouldn’t know the truth, that Seulgi would remain as Joohyun’s friend and nothing more. She can’t imagine what Joohyun will do to her now that it’s out in the open.

“You shouldn’t have run.” Joohyun sighs, a hand starting to disentangle strands of her own hair.

Seulgi knows. It’s one thing to be aware of what she shouldn’t do and it’s another one to stick to it.

“It wasn’t the wisest choice, I know you know that,” the woman goes on, and so Seulgi turns her gaze away, heart painfully tight.

“I do,” she quietly admits. “I guess she kind of hates me right now, doesn’t she?”

However, instead of the worst case scenario she’s been expecting, no harsh words come out of Joohyun’s mouth. No accusations, nothing. Joohyun merely stays there, round eyes gleaming with the softest of stares.

For a minute, Seulgi feels as if the air was kicked out of her lungs, and she’s glad that she can now see this new side of Joohyun – not only the good mom, but the good friend, too.

Her approach is softer now, less condescending, like she’s not only doing it for Mina, but for Seulgi as well.

And maybe this is good, maybe it’s the sign they’re on the right track, because there are things that they both must treat with delicacy. Mina’s condition and adoption most of all.

It’s almost like they complement each other – while Seulgi is dissembling and scared, Joohyun is upfront and brave – so that can only mean they’ll find a way to make things work.

“Oh, Seulgi.” Joohyun lets out a breath, and she has this subtle smile on her lips as she rushes forward to hug Seulgi. “She doesn’t hate you. She could never hate you.”

Joohyun’s arms are careful around her shoulders, as if she’s cradling something fragile and not another grown woman. But Seulgi accepts the tenderness without a word, and supports her chin on Joohyun’s shoulder.

It’s the first time they ever hugged, but Seulgi doesn’t let herself get lost in it. Otherwise, she’s sure she’d ruin it too.

Seulgi shakes her head, disagreeing with the statement without a single doubt. But she does raise her arms to hold onto Joohyun’s back, feels as her heart swells at the support, the warmth.

“Well, she definitely doesn’t like me right now,” she mumbles, the voice of a stubborn child.

Joohyun snorts out a laugh, one that flutters against Seulgi’s neck. “After you left, the first thing she asked me to do was come after you. And to reassure you were okay before bringing you back.”

“Oh.” Seulgi blinks, awkwardly pulling away from Joohyun’s arms.

“Are you? Feeling better, I mean?”

“Yeah.”

It's the easiest thing to say, and the easiest thing to truly believe. But Joohyun could never buy it so easily, not when she can read right through Seulgi.

“Are you really?” she insists, and there’s this tug at Seulgi’s heart for a moment, this urge not to lie.

“No,” she admits at last, but quickly adds, “But I’ll be.”

“Good. Stay honest,” Joohyun whispers. “Wait until this anxiety ebbs out a little, okay? Mina will be there, so will I.”

She takes a step back, albeit halfhearted, but smiles one last time before she walks away.

Seulgi watches her go with an odd sense of longing rankling around her heart.

.

Joohyun is caressing Mina’s hand by the time Seulgi goes back to the girl’s room, both sitting on the hospital bed. She can see how she seems reluctant to even accept her mom’s touch, and Seulgi swallows hard once she remembers this is all her fault.

It’s not long until Mina spots her, and Seulgi feels the urge to close her eyes and leave like nothing happened at all. But she just shrugs and looks away. Her hand pulls through her hair, struggling with the tangled knots in there.

She breathes in, gathering enough courage to say something. In the end, she only comes up with a weak, “Hey.”

“Hi,” Mina says, and pulls her hand away from Joohyun’s grasp.

Joohyun’s expression changes instantly, and awkwardly clears her throat before she stands up. “I’ll give you both a minute.”

Seulgi nods, choking on her own breath when Joohyun’s hand swiftly squeezes her shoulder. She tries to pay no mind to it, and then looks over at Mina’s direction.

Her eyes are red, and she seems exhausted as she croaks out, “You left. You just… you just left. Why do you keep leaving?”

Seulgi blinks. “I guess I wasn’t really thinking.”

Mina folds her arms, eyeing Seulgi with this sharp look of intrigue that turns softer quickly. “You never said anything. Were you ever going to?”

“Probably not,” she admits, and can’t help but feel guilty when she sees how Mina winces at the honesty. “But I – it’s not because I didn’t care. I always thought it was for the best.”

“Why?”

Seulgi looks at the side, and brings herself to the foot of Mina’s bed. With a gentle push, she takes out some of the blankets to open up space for her to sit until they’re in front of each other.

“Well, for starters, you deserved better,” Seulgi begins, and her eyes are soft, wanting, and she chooses to repeat what she’d told Joohyun not very long ago. “You were the only constant in my life. I’d feel you kicking and think… I’d feel I didn’t have to be alone forever.”

The raw honesty hurts more than she’d ever admit. Being vulnerable is something she’ll probably never get used to, but Seulgi doesn’t see how she can hide this from Mina.

“But I couldn’t be selfish… not with you,” she says, timidly extending a hand to caress Mina’s cheek. “Mina, I couldn’t give you the kind of life you deserved, I wouldn’t be able to. You wouldn’t have the future someone like your mom could give you if I kept you.”

Ever so slightly, the girl leans into the touch, warm eyes staring at Seulgi with a patience not even Seulgi herself could understand. And then, as if the touch had burnt, she flinches away, expression downcast as Joohyun walks towards them.

Mina stares at her mother and at Seulgi and Seulgi’s heart aches when she notices she can still see the betrayal in her eyes. Looking over to her again, Mina mutters, quietly, “Don’t leave again.”

Seulgi remembers Joohyun’s request all those months ago – don’t make promises you can’t keep. So she smiles, and promises what she can, “Let’s take one day at a time, okay?”

.

There is a strange heaviness hovering across the room when Seulgi comes to visit the next day. For one thing, Joohyun isn’t there. Instead, there’s someone else sitting on the chair beside Mina’s bed, someone with an aura just as overprotective as Joohyun.

“Hey,” she says in a low voice, and both Mina and her godmother, Yerim, raise their eyes to her direction.

Seulgi suddenly feels exposed, but does her best to not demonstrate, and as if sensing it, Yerim stands up from her seat.

“I’ll let you guys talk. Maybe I’ll come back later,” she says, ruffling Mina’s hair and leaving a soft kiss at the top of her head before leaving.

But Seulgi doesn’t move – she’s still very much glued to her spot while Mina glances awkwardly at her. But then she calls her with an index finger, and she has no choice but to come closer.

“I have a few questions,” Mina starts, adamant, and she adds, “If that’s okay?”

Seulgi laughs through her nose, and nods, taking a step towards the edge of the bed.

“What was my father like?”

That seems to take the smile out of Seulgi’s face. She can only think of petty thefts, manipulative comments and this false sense of comfort he’d offered. But as she looks into Mina’s eyes, there’s no way she can ever tell her that.

“He was… great. Very… supportive,” she says, hoping Mina can’t see through her lie. “He died a while ago, but he was a great man.”

“I see.” Mina blinks, as if letting the information sink in. “Did you love him?”

Seulgi sighs, and the question repeats itself in her mind for a few seconds before she actually finds a more appropriate answer.

“I think I did, at some point,” she says, deciding to take a bold step forward to sit on the foot of Mina’s bed. “We were very young, though.”

Mina nods, but doesn’t say anything else. In the end, she settles for a quiet, “I did consider it, you know. The possibility of you being my birth mother crossed my mind a few times, but… it didn’t make sense.”

“Why?”

“The ages didn’t add up,” she explains, and with a sad smile, completes, “I think they do now. Was that why… Was that why you gave me away?” the girl asks, and there’s no judgement in her tone, only curiosity and the wish to understand.

“Sort of, yes.” Seulgi breathes in.

“I was eighteen and scared and alone. I couldn’t – I couldn’t do it. I had no stability to raise a kid, Mina. I had no home, no friends, no money. You deserved better than that. Still do. I know it sounds like a lie, but I promise you it's not.”

Out of impulse, she rushes a hand toward Mina’s, grasping the frail, pale hand with her own. Mina doesn’t flinch this time, but she eyes the contact curiously, and so Seulgi pulls away quickly.

“I believe you.” Mina smiles. “When I found out, at first I thought my mom didn't love me because there's no way she ever could when she wasn't my real mom. But I know now… I know that things aren’t that easy and simple. I was a dumb kid.”

“You’re still a kid, Mina.”

Mina rolls her eyes good-naturedly. “Sure, whatever.”

“She does love you, you know. Your mother wanted you more than anything,” Seulgi says, confident in her words. She wasn’t there then, but she can tell even now how much Mina means to her. It’s not hard to put two and two together.

“I know that now,” the girl snorts. Then her frown deepens, and she looks earnest and intrigued as she asks, “Isn't that what adoption is? Wanting someone so much that you choose them.”

Seulgi smiles, feels as if a weight was just lifted from her shoulders. It’s only then that she notices someone on the door, watching their interaction intently.

Joohyun has a slight tilt to the corners of her lips, a different kind of softness in her eyes. This time, when she turns to face Seulgi, her expression doesn’t change. If anything, her smile only grows, and Seulgi feels it – a gentle pull to her heart, this… want.

And maybe that’s what love is, as well. Wanting someone so much you end up choosing them.

“Yeah, I guess it is,” Seulgi says, in a low but clear tone, but she’s still looking at Joohyun’s eyes when she says it.

.

The following days are better. Not perfect, but better, so it’s progress. And Seulgi will gladly take all the crumbs she can get.

Mina is still very wary of their relationship. Not only hers with Seulgi, but with Joohyun too. Which is fair, considering both of them lied and omitted the facts ever since the beginning, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

Seulgi comes to that conclusion one day after staying at the hospital during nighttime, when Joohyun arrives at Mina’s room with eyes glossy and smudged mascara.

She steals a glance to the bed, where Mina still sleeps soundly, and cautiously drags Joohyun outside.

“You don’t have to pretend you’re okay all the time,” Seulgi reassures her, as softly as she can manage.

She raises an arm to clean the smudge at the corner of Joohyun’s eye, but the woman’s hand stops her midway. Seulgi blinks, not sure where this is going. Her hand trembles with the contact, her belly flutters and her breath hitches, but nothing happens. Not for a while, at least.

That is until Joohyun smiles, closing her eyes and rubbing her cheek against Seulgi’s palm.

“I don’t,” she utters, quiet and whispery. “Not with you.”

And, oh, Seulgi knows where this is going. It’s as obvious as inevitable, and this time… this time she can’t ignore it.

.

Seulgi doesn’t hear about Joohyun or Mina all day the next evening, and that’s why she rushes to the hospital and doesn’t even think about the amount of speeding tickets she’ll get over the next week.

The news hit her with a flash of guilt, and so Seulgi stumbles backwards once Joohyun finally tells her what happened. Hepatic shock, she says, and Seulgi can’t quite see anything around her anymore, can’t barely feel as her knees buckle and she falls soundly to the ground.

“Hey, hey, look at me,” Joohyun says, kneeling down and holding Seulgi’s face between her palms. “She’ll be fine, she’ll be alright. She was taken to surgery right away. They’re performing the transplant today.”

The words keep repeating itself, and Seulgi can’t make sense of anything. Her surroundings are blurry, and the woman in front of her is desperate enough by herself. She doesn’t need Seulgi adding to her worry, and yet she can’t stop.

She’s still pathetically kneeling to the floor, turning her gaze away whenever Joohyun tries to make eye contact. And it hurts, because Seulgi needs her more than ever now.

“I lied to her,” she says at last, voice breaking at the end. “I lied and I can’t tell her the truth now.”

“What?” Joohyun asks, and Seulgi shakes her head again, tears streaming freely down her face.

“I lied. I should’ve told her the truth, about her dad, about – about me.”

“What truth about you?”

But Seulgi can’t say it. It feels too much for her to admit to Joohyun, who’s perfect and doesn’t lie.

Joohyun seems to sense it then, because she stops insisting. In the end, she cradles Seulgi’s face between her palms and kisses her forehead with the sweetest of kisses.

“We have plenty of time,” Joohyun promises, and Seulgi isn’t sure if she’s trying to convince Seulgi or both of them.

.

It’s a long process, longer than the surgeries Mina’s had before. And it’s exhausting, and overbearing, and Seulgi remains as strong as she can.

Last minute decision or not, the transplant is finally going through – maybe because of how her condition is even worse – but Seulgi can’t help but feel hesitant.

Joohyun doesn’t say much. As the hours go by, she sits by Seulgi’s side and doesn’t ask a thing, but it’s obvious by the way she moves in her seat from time to time that she’s just as nervous as Seulgi.

Seulgi is the one who can’t keep still. She goes to the cafeteria, to different wings on that floor, and comes back tired, but then does it all again.

And so Seulgi abruptly says, “You need to eat something.”

“I'm not hungry,” Joohyun says, a slight humor to her voice.

Seulgi frowns, shocked as if Joohyun’s reply was absurd. “Well, you must eat. You can't go running around on an empty stomach.”

But Joohyun’s eyes turn softer for the first time that night, and she smiles a little as she explains, “I'm not hungry because you have been feeding me all day.”

“Oh,” Seulgi mumbles, embarrassed, and feels as her whole face grows warmer when she sees the many empty food bags by Joohyun’s side. “I didn’t realize.”

“Of course you didn’t.” But there’s no malice in her voice, no tone of joke either. “Tell me, when was the last time you stopped to eat yourself?”

Seulgi feels as her stomach growls in response, as if doing it on purpose to embarrass her.

Joohyun’s voice drifts in, scandalized. “Wait, was that your stomach?”

Blood rushes to Seulgi’s face, and she groans. “Oh, come on. You didn't hear that.”

“Of course I did! God, I thought we were experiencing an earthquake.”

“You’re so dramatic,” Seulgi says, rolling her eyes good-naturedly. “I guess you do have a point.”

“I always do,” Joohyun replies, sure of herself. “I’m getting you some food this time since you’re the one who’s been running around all day. Wait here.”

She stands up from her seat, and Seulgi nods goodbye, but she doesn’t leave. Instead, she seems to sense the way Seulgi’s body shakes at the cold and drapes her own jacket over the slim woman.

“I’ll be right back.”

And so she goes, and Seulgi gulps as she feels her heart swelling with hope.

Seulgi feels the urge to laugh of a sudden, maybe even cry, because of course the universe would have some sick sense of humor. Mina was never meant to be hers, but here the world is, yet again, teasing her with a family that she could never hope to have.

But she's never wanted anything so badly, and it's so very rare for anything to ever be returned.

.

Joohyun comes back a few minutes later, holding a sandwich and some orange juice. She hands it over to Seulgi as soon as she sits by her side, and as she watches her eat, Joohyun even crosses her legs as if choosing to give Seulgi her undivided attention.

“Do you think –” Seulgi calls out after a few minutes of consideration. “Do you think Mina will ever forgive me?”

Joohyun shakes her head. “I don’t think there’s anything to forgive.”

“I lied. I lied about her dad, about me.” Seulgi looks down to her lap, a crease between her brows.

“You should give Mina more credit.” The woman looks up, watches the empty white ceiling as if there’s anything worth looking. “You never told me about him either.”

Seulgi gulps, embarrassed. “I guess I didn’t.”

She doesn’t want to go into details, doesn’t want to explain how pathetic her life was, about the stuff she has stolen and the hunger she felt back then.

She settles for a simple, “We were young and we made a lot of mistakes.”

Joohyun arches an eyebrow, but it’s not a defiant one. In fact, she only seems to be teasing Seulgi into admitting something.

“Mina wasn’t one of them,” she says, and feels as her heart fills up with so much pride. “I think Mina is actually the only good thing I’ve ever made in my whole life.”

“Then tell her that.”

It’s not that easy, Seulgi wants to say, because there’s no way she can ever power through telling Mina the truth when she knows she’ll have to leave right after.

“She thought we were dating, have I ever told you that?” Joohyun comments, out of the blue.

Seulgi laughs, happy to have something do deflect her attention to. “Yeah, she told me.”

Joohyun shakes her head, but there’s a subtle smile back on her lips this time, too. “I’m sorry about that. I know it can be uncomfortable to linked like that when you’re not –”

“It doesn’t bother me. Not at all. It doesn’t… bother me like that,” Seulgi blurts out.

“What?” Joohyun frowns, and leans back on the chair to watch her more closely. But Seulgi was never good at being the focus, so she shrugs, lips curled.

“Yeah, I – I don’t have a problem with that,” she explains, self-consciously. “You know, even though I like women too, I’ve never dated one?”

Maybe it’s because she’s aware of Joohyun’s sexuality, but she feels comfortable letting her know.

“Men are easier… they just settle for anything,” she jokes good-naturedly. It doesn’t land though – Joohyun’s expression is still as hard as it was before. “Not that my record is stellar by any means, anyway.”

Joohyun laughs, although it sounds strained. If out of reflex or not, she reaches a hand toward Seulgi’s and squeezes it softly before pulling it back quickly.

“You shouldn’t think like that,” she says, a tiny smile already forming on her lips. “You’re an amazing person, Seul. I’m sure any woman would be lucky to date you.”

Seulgi scoffs, pretends the words don’t hit a soft spot near her heart. The only woman she wants anything with is all but available.

“Nah, it’s stupid really. I guess I’m just not – I’m not the kind of person that sticks either. So maybe it’s understandable.” She shrugs. “I’m just not like that.”

“Easier… I see,” Joohyun echoes, and old habits really die hard, apparently, because she follows it with a low, “I guess that’s what you prefer.”

Despite the seemingly inoffensive words, the teasing, the connotation jabs and sticks. It shouldn’t hit her with such surprise, not when it’s no different than what she’s heard in life, but it does, and Seulgi does her best to keep her expression the same.

Looking at Joohyun, though, she can understand why she says it like that. It’s painfully easy to see how fast she could be re-categorized from a threat to the image of a lonely, harmless woman with cheap clothes and a past she’d rather forget.

The words open wounds, beat against every soft bruise that hasn't yet fully recovered.

“Right,” Seulgi says and closes up. Her shoulders become taut, and hurt floods like cold water in all the open space between them, hardening her. She lifts up her chin. “That's me. Easy and unreliable.”

Joohyun seems to realize the unintended implication. Her brows pinch together with regret, but Seulgi doesn't wait for an apology.

“I’m just…” she starts, but isn’t sure how to go on. Clearing her throat, she finishes, “Look, I’m going now. Call me when Mina’s out of surgery.”

“Seulgi, wait –” Joohyun tries, but Seulgi doesn’t let her. She leaves the surgical floor with a bitter taste on her mouth, and a tiny voice in the back of her mind that repeats, I told you so, like a broken record.

.

It hurts more than she’d like to admit, considering Seulgi had accepted long ago Joohyun would never feel the same way about her. But the fact that maybe she’s nothing but the woman who gave Mina away all those years ago to Joohyun hits her like she didn’t think anything would.

“Seulgi, wait!” Joohyun’s voice calls her out, and Seulgi hates how she can’t ignore it.

She stops on her tracks, turns her head towards her and is greeted by the sight of Joohyun in a messy ponytail and harsh breaths.

“Did you… did you run your way here?” Seulgi asks, lowly, and feels stupid as soon as the words come out. Of course she did.

“I’m sorry,” Joohyun replies instead. “I didn’t mean to – I didn’t want to say that.”

Seulgi sighs, kicks the ground in order to deflect her attention. “Yeah, I guess you didn’t.”

“I’m trying, I promise,” the woman insists, and takes a step forward to where Seulgi is standing. Hesitantly, she raises an arm to brush away a strand of hair falling over her eyes. As soon as it touches Seulgi’s face, the younger one breathes out, embarrassed by the contact, but Joohyun doesn’t pull away. “It was a stupid joke, I was just thinking out loud.”

“About?”

Joohyun exhales deeply, but never turns her gaze away from Seulgi. Instead, her other hand brushes against her left cheek softly, and she cups Seulgi’s face between her palms.

“Nothing,” she relents. “Nothing at all.”

She lets go without further explanation, and takes a few steps back, away from Seulgi before she decides to say anything again.

“I’m truly sorry. I won’t do it again.”

“Okay,” Seulgi says, not bothering to ask or even consider whether she's lying. “Let’s just… talk it out, okay? The same goes for Mina. We should talk to her, about everything we can, it’s not fair to keep her in the dark.”

Joohyun scoffs, laughs, but not in a mocking way – in fact, she seems actually amused.

“Are you giving me parenting advice?”

“Yeah, yeah, me who gave up a kid for adoption and never went after her again.” It stings, so Seulgi bites on her lip so Joohyun never sees it waver.

But Joohyun is staring at her with sudden tenderness.

“That’s not what I meant. I only meant to say that you’re an overgrown child,” she says, patting Seulgi’s arm awkwardly. “You’re good with her.” She lingers, still holding Seulgi’s arm.

For a second, Seulgi wonders – would it be too bad to lean in, just a little?

She doesn’t.

.

Mina is out about fifteen hours later. Her doctor, a woman around Seulgi’s age, but with a more incisive attitude, comes over to let them know.

She’s obviously tired, but there’s a hint of satisfaction in her expression that Seulgi sucks in greedily.

“She’ll be okay,” the doctor announces, in a relieved tone.

Seulgi barely has any time to adjust to the news before Joohyun is jumping onto her arms. She feels Joohyun’s warm breath on her neck, the way she softens at her arms, and repeats this is only temporary until her whole body agrees.

.

When Mina’s back into her room, a few more hours later, Seulgi stays once again on the sidelines. She doesn’t dare to go in when Joohyun rushes to see Mina, doesn’t give away any indications that she wants to.

It’s only a few minutes later, when someone joins her by the door, that Seulgi realizes how time passed.

“I guess things are progressing well,” Sooyoung comments, smiling quietly at Seulgi. “With you and Joohyun, too.”

“Yeah, we’re friends now,” Seulgi replies, a certain giddiness at her words.

“Friends. Right,” the nurse echoes. “I’m glad she’s taking care of you.”

That’s what it is. Joohyun isn’t nice – not to anyone else, at least. She knows it from the calls she’s seen Joohyun answer, from the way she treated Seulgi at first. – but she’s taking care of Seulgi.

“Do you still plan on leaving?” Sooyoung asks.

Seulgi shrugs. “Yeah. I do.”

“Why?”

“I can’t stay,” she begins, as though it’s obvious. “I can’t see them like this again.”

“Happy?” Sooyoung asks, more out of irony than anything. Seulgi rolls her eyes, and so she reiterates her question, “What do you see when you look at them?”

It’s easy to let Sooyoung know about her worries, when she’s sure they won’t be seeing each other again, so Seulgi giggles, relaxed. “It’s what I could’ve had. If I kept Mina before. A very distant maybe, but still…”

She doesn’t get caught up in these feelings, not anymore. Long ago, she built an armor around her that’s still not willing to come down at any moment.

Joohyun and Mina might’ve cracked it a little, but it’s still as effective as it once was, so Seulgi stands up straighter, ignores the hurt that digs too deeply through her heart.

“I guess all my life I’ve been looking for something that I was never sure I’d find, and now that I have it… Ibut also know that I can’t be here when I know all my presence will do is ruin their happiness,” she explains, more like a ramble, but an explanation nevertheless. “But aAt the same time, after all those years, I’m still trying to belong with that, with being alone, changing and adapting myself wherever I go to fit better, and but with Mina and Joohyun… I can make a place of my own.”

Sooyoung sighs, but settles for a simple, “Maybe you should reconsider those roots thing.”

Seulgi laughs, without any actual humor behind. “I guess.”

“What are you even afraid of?”

“I’m scared of… of rejection,” Seulgi finally murmurs.

“Rejection? Of what?” Sooyoung narrows her eyes, pauses, and then snorts. “So, you’re never going to take any chance on anyone?”

“That’s not what I said,” Seulgi protests.

“Well yes, it kind of is. So everyone who gets too close to you, you’ll push away because you’re afraid they’re going to do it first?” Sooyoung scoffs, her whole face twisted in discontent at Seulgi. “I'd never expected you to be a coward. Or so selfish.”

Seulgi nods, sure of what she has to do. Sooyoung’s comment passes by her as if it was never even an option. “I guess you don’t know me very well, then.”

.

It’s morning when Mina wakes up, and Seulgi’s the only one in the room. She smiles softly at the girl, kisses her right hand as she stirs awake.

“Good morning…” Mina croaks, an awkward pause at the end as if she’s not sure she should call Seulgi by her first name anymore.

“Morning, kid,” Seulgi replies before she dwells on it. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah, actually. Might be too soon to tell, though,” she jokes.

Seulgi laughs, lighthearted, and curls by her side. “I’m glad then.”

Joohyun, who had only watched from afar, is now coming closer. Despite the straight back and hard expression, the way her whole face relaxes is unmistakable.

“We’re glad,” she corrects.

She leans down slightly when she’s close enough, and kisses Mina’s forehead gently, but doesn’t pull away just yet. Instead, she smiles at Seulgi, a hand coming up to cup her right cheek, and that’s when she pulls in closer to kiss her on the cheek as well.

.

Morning comes as fast as night has ended, and Seulgi stirs awake in her seat when the sun gleams in her face. Mina is already awake, and so is Joohyun – who stands by her side with dark circles under her eyes.

It serves as comfort, at least a little, to know she’s not the only one who can’t barely sleep at night.

Mina watches her in silence, as if wondering whether to say anything or not. In the end, she decides to go with a simple, “Are you okay?”

She’s ready to reply with one more well-practiced lie, but she can’t. She needs to be honest this time, at least once, before it all has to end.

Seulgi shakes her head, and she doesn’t know how she can ever do this – not when Mina looks at her with so much warmth, trust. She can’t break this now, can’t do it… but then a soft, careful hand squeezes at her shoulder lightly and she gulps once she realizes there’s no escape this time.

“I have something to tell you.”

Mina frowns. “What is it?”

Joohyun squeezes her shoulder again, more lightly this time, and Seulgi draws in a breath to go on. “I lied about your father. He wasn’t a good person, not to me. Maybe not too anyone,” she says at once. “He didn’t want kids, he never did, and I didn’t want to tell you because… God, Mina, I never wanted you to feel like you’re not loved.”

Because Seulgi knows what it is like, to feel unwanted, unloved. She’s been there before, felt this pain in her skin for years of her life, and sometimes, she feels it still, even though it’s been a long time since she’d ever had to face her own mother.

When she’d first met Mina, still a small baby who’d just arrived in a world so grim, Seulgi had never wanted her to feel that. And so she gave her away, to someone who could love her the right way – the way Seulgi probably never could.

“I was trying to give you the kind of love I didn’t –” she chokes, eyes glistening with tears. Seulgi looks up, unable to finish her sentence. “I guess I was trying to give you the idea of a family you deserved.”

There are tears on Joohyun’s eyes when Seulgi meets them briefly, a crease between Mina’s brow. But the girl seems to understand what Seulgi means, doesn’t seem the least bit inclined to judge her for lying again.

“I do feel loved, mom, I do. Very much.” she assures, and the slip makes Seulgi’s heart stutter. “Don’t you understand? All the family I need is right here.”

Mina glances at Joohyun, whose eyes are locked at Seulgi.

A while ago, maybe that would’ve been enough for her to change her mind about the inevitable, but… it’s too late for that now.

Seulgi had gotten drunk on the idea of home, of belonging and love and family, and she’d prolonged a relationship that had only caused Mina and Joohyun pain.

She’d been so selfish, determined to meet the girl she’d left all those years ago just because she wanted to know her. And running away might be another selfish option – it’s par for the course for Kang Seulgi, who runs away whenever anything gets too intense – but it’s her only option, her only way to stop screwing everything up.

But there’s no way she can say that now, not when they all seem happy that everything is back on the tracks, so Seulgi hugs them both, and wishes that things were different.

.

At age 17, Seulgi didn’t have many belongings.

She had a stolen backpack that carried food and a few change of clothes, and maybe even some money on her lucky days. It never mattered, not to her – material belongings wouldn’t get her anywhere, anyway. She had plenty of those when she was younger, and look where it got her.

She had someone who loved her instead, someone who cared about her deeply enough to have chosen her to run away and never look back. That was all she needed. It wasn’t much, it didn’t have to be, and so she clung onto the hope that maybe there was something more between the choice of dreaming or dying.

She doesn’t dream of a family anymore – she has one. And it’s a tiny one, a guy only three years older, that loves her as if she’d put the moon into the sky.

But at age 17, she also learns that love isn’t everything. In fact, it can be nothing at all.

The test results are inconclusive, she knows cheap tests like those can’t be trusted, but something inside of her confirms it for her. She could end this now, could give it up before it even starts.

Instead, she learns how to steal better. She learns about the metal tumblers in a lock and how to move them around until a door pops open.

She learns how to push up from chained fences and barbed wire, how to brush off red stinging pain and keep on running.

She learns how rich people barely notice if some of their money is gone, so she takes what she gets in order to not get caught.

But no life can ever be led like this, not one that involves a child, who needs education, warm food, and a caring household. So Seulgi spends her last few pennies in a baby blanket from a fancy store at the mall, and the rest… well, the rest was never hers to begin with.

.

At age 32, Seulgi still doesn’t have many belongings. She has an old photograph that she keeps in an even older wallet, a few clothes she bought in sale, and a torn backpack. The rest is disposable, easy to leave and forget about it – including yet another undecorated apartment she leaves behind.

But as soon as she opens the door that afternoon, the sight that greets her is both unfamiliar and unexpected.

“You shouldn’t be here,” Seulgi croaks immediately, embarrassed for being caught in the act.

Joohyun smiles, the emptiness of Seulgi’s apartment nothing but background.

“You didn’t come today, or yesterday,” she says, matter-of-fact. “Mina was worried, so I told her you were probably just busy because I know you wouldn’t miss her getting discharged but…” Her smile fades quickly, and is replaced by a hard expression. “What’s this?”

She points at the backpack Seulgi is carrying, the beaten suitcase on her feet. Seulgi pushes the suitcase away, but it’s useless, Joohyun can follow it with her gaze even from where she stands.

“Nothing.”

It takes a moment for Joohyun to let the information sink in, and then it’s as if time simultaneously speeds up and slows down. But the truth is clear in her dark eyes, as is her determination. “You were leaving. When you said goodbye that day… you were saying goodbye.”

And Seulgi has no strength left in her body to deny the obvious.

“She knows I love her, doesn’t she?” she says, and it’s all the conformation Joohyun needs.

She gasps, surprised, and her whole mood seems to drop. But Seulgi can’t say a word – too embarrassed, too angry at herself for getting caught. She should’ve left earlier, should’ve rushed packing up yesterday so she wouldn’t be here, should’ve –

“You really are leaving.”

“You – you didn’t want me here,” Seulgi points out in a wisp of a voice, as if it’s any justifiable.

“What?” Joohyun asks, weak, with tears gathering by the corner of her eyes.

“You wanted a kid, you told me once how much you wanted a baby and…” Seulgi tries, but the words don’t make sense, not even to her. “You wanted a daughter, not me, not the child’s birth mother coming back to ruin your happiness with her so I can’t – I can’t do it, Joohyun.”

“So you decided to go?” Joohyun’s voice is stern, no sign of comprehension, and Seulgi shrinks at it.

“What else was I supposed to do?”

“Stay,” she breathes out, and she’s both exhilarated and exasperated as she steps forward and clasps Seulgi’s face between her palms. “Fight! For Mina, for… God, Seulgi, we care so much about you. We need you so much.”

Seulgi sniffles. “I’ve never been needed before,” she says. “Is it always this demanding?”

“Sometimes more.” Joohyun gives her a strained, watery smile. “Well, you’re not going anywhere now.”

“I can’t stay – I can’t,” Seulgi says, and it’s just her will to leave now. “My lease… I lost my job.”

“You could move in. Just temporarily if that makes you more comfortable, while Mina adjusts to being home again,” Joohyun suggests out of nowhere, and Seulgi feels embarrassed for being homeless enough to the point where she almost accepts it readily, no questions asked.

“But you never –” Seulgi tries again, stumbling on her words. Her mind is nothing but echoes of you never wanted me.

“Seulgi,” Joohyun calls out, and Seulgi stiffens when her hands come up to her face. “Seulgi, I want you too.”

Her reply is instant, not even flinching. “No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I do. I want you.” Joohyun takes a step forward, and holds Seulgi’s face between her palms as if daring her to look into her eyes.

Seulgi shakes her head, tries to turn her gaze away, but Joohyun doesn’t let her.

“It’s true, I wanted a closed adoption. I never planned to meet you, but I never planned for many things in life.” She gently captures a wayward curl, tucking it behind her ear. “I never planned to fall for someone like you, someone too brash for their own good, stubborn, reckless… Yet here I am, wanting you too.”

Seulgi laughs at how Joohyun repeats the exact same names she’d called her before, when she had told Seulgi she’d never like her. She had always existed in most people’s memory in a nameless, vague sort of way, moving through halls and out of the door again, so it feels a little odd now, to be important and remembered by someone. But It shouldn’t come as a shock – Joohyun is not most people, anyway, never was.

“But why?” She blinks, embarrassed.

“Don't you see?” Joohyun asks, as though it should be obvious. “My life just began when I met Mina and yours ended once you gave her away. And now we found each other so that… That has to mean something.”

There is a tentative touch of fingers on her wrist, as halting as the quiet, grey warble of Joohyun’s voice, “Please stay?”

“I’m not really used to having a home,” she mentions, suddenly self-conscious. She says it all matter-of-factly, as though it’s been far too long for her to care about it, but Joohyun probably hears the way her words tremble, and doesn’t shrink away.

“We can change that.”

Joohyun tilts her face upward and Seulgi hesitates, still uncertain about what they might become, still tentative in her movements. Joohyun touches Seulgi’s cheek, brings her closer, and presses their lips together.

It’s quiet, peaceful as they’ve never been and always wanted to be, and Seulgi’s eyes are still closed when Joohyun finally drifts back, her gaze on Seulgi’s face.

Joohyun smiles, coming closer to hug her, and when she kisses Seulgi again, she tastes like sunshine.

.

first time

Thirteen years ago, Seulgi’s world had just been torn to shreds. She was asked the same question over and over again, “Do you want to hold her?” and she had insisted no every time.

Now, she walks through another hospital’s hallway, as ready as she can ever be to try again.

She hasn’t talked to Joohyun yet, hasn’t discussed what that kiss meant, but there’s no rush. Joohyun was the first one to say they had time, and so Seulgi believes her.

Mina is finishing another drawing when she gets there, and even though she’d talked with Joohyun about keeping the whole going away thing between them, for a while at least, she’s sure Mina knows. She always does.

“Welcome back,” she says when they both step in.

“Thanks,” Seulgi says, smiling, squeezing Joohyun’s hand with her own. It probably doesn’t go by unnoticed, but she doesn’t care. With her daughter standing before her and the woman she has feelings for holding her hand, it really is good to be back.

.

They don’t tell Mina right away, don’t even mention how Seulgi disappeared for two days at least as if it’s some kind of forbidden topic. In a way, it kind of is.

It’s a topic they’ll visit later, when things are more settled between them. In the meantime, Seulgi will enjoy what she has, and that is a woman who cares about her, and a daughter who’s grown to care about her as well, despite everything.

That’s something else they’re trying for now – calling Mina Seulgi’s daughter. It’s different, and Seulgi definitely isn’t used to it yet, but it’s a start.

Mina doesn’t call her mom, not once ever since it slipped that last time, and Seulgi doesn’t expect her to. But Joohyun says it’s important that this… this bond between both of them is recognized for what it is, so Seulgi doesn’t argue.

She appreciates the quiet moments instead, the ones she sometimes insist on watching from afar. Like when they play a game and Mina loses, but Joohyun celebrates like she’s the kid between them. She wraps a grumpy Mina in her arms, light and happy, and as she presses a kiss to her forehead, Seulgi thinks about how doesn’t even know why she ever thought of leaving.

.

It’s as simple as Seulgi had always dreamt it would be when she first wondered about love. It’s in the quiet moments, the tenderness of Joohyun’s movements whenever they’re together.

Like now, as they lie down together in Joohyun’s bed – their bed, as Joohyun had insisted before dragging Seulgi away from the guest room – and Seulgi can’t help but think about before again, when she thought she’d never have any of this.

“What’s on your mind?” Joohyun asks, the tip of her index finger trailing a path on Seulgi’s temple.

“About before,” she mentions, and waits for the quiet hum to spill out of Joohyun’s lips before she continues, “The first month after I gave Mina away… I thought that was it. I didn’t even want to live anymore. I was so alone and…”

She can’t go on, the words simply don’t leave her mouth, so Joohyun hugs her, and lets it be. She’s patient, way too patient, but Seulgi appreciates it more than anything.

“You’re not alone. Not now, and not ever again,” Joohyun promises, and though it’s vague and the future is still unsure, Seulgi lets herself believe it.

“I know I’m not,” she mutters. “I’m actually very happy.”

Joohyun giggles lowly, supporting her weight on her elbows as she glances at Seulgi in that poorly lit room.

“You are?”

“Of course I am,” Seulgi replies. “You did it, you know? You did it all on your own anyway. You raised this… this awesome kid, our kid, and–” The burst of emotion is too much for her, and she falls silent, breathing heavily. “Yeah, I’m happy.”

“I’m glad you are,” Joohyun says, kissing Seulgi’s chin. “I am too. Very happy.”

She laughs softly, blinking back a suspicious wetness in her eyes. Joohyun’s hand easily finds its way to Seulgi’s cheek, and she catches a tear on her thumb and waits.

“I love you,” Seulgi murmurs, as if only now feeling brave enough to do so, and she feels as if she’s made of glass, weak and transparent.

“And I love you too, of course,” Joohyun replies only a second later, as if it was always obvious.

(Seulgi thinks she looks beautiful when she’s happy – especially like this, this flushed, frazzled happiness that lights her up from the inside.). That’s why she can’t help but grin widely, as well.

“Wait, so that means you love me, as in you want to get in a relationship with me? Get serious, not just playing house as we've been doing?”

Joohyun rolls her eyes. “I thought that was pretty obvious.”

“Well, Joohyun, I might be easy to read but you’ve always been a mystery to me.”

“Then, yes. That’s what I want. Is it clear to you?”

“It definitely is.” But Seulgi was never too good with feelings and dealing with things, so she says, just for the sake of it, “You really love me, don’t you?” She says it like a tease, like a mocking mm-hm that had once annoyed Joohyun a little too much. “How humiliating.”

Her lips brush against the shell of Seulgi’s ear, then her temple, and Joohyun says, “And you love me. Aren’t you embarrassed?”

“Ugh.” Seulgi sighs heavily. Joohyun kisses her jaw. “Don’t remind me.”

But Joohyun can only smile and kiss her again. Seulgi kisses her back with the same amount of care, of love, and feels this is it.

She’d spent a childhood dreaming of family, of a place to come home to that would feel real and permanent. She’d never gotten it, and after leaving Mina, she’d vowed never even to let herself hope for it. And then Mina had come back into her life and she’d had a person, someone to care about her.

And also Joohyun.

Being with Joohyun is all those things wrapped in one, is family and home and someone for whom Seulgi’s heart seems to beat. It seems great enough for a childhood dream.


End file.
